"A planned life is a closed life"

"A planned life is a closed life" seems to be the story of mine. It's a quote from the movie The Inn of the 6th Happiness. It's a wonderful true story of a women who is "unqualified" to go to a remote region of China as a missionary and ends up being excatly the right person.  God used her to bring hope and health to a forgotted and poor people and to save hundreds of children's lives in the face of the Japanese attack on China. The point being that it is usually what we did not plan that ends up being the joy, wonder, excitement, and fullfillment of our lives.  So, as I have discovered that I am two months pregnant my life has been opened wide.

So, where does this put sweet Gabe? Well, every medical person I have spoken to has told me not to ride and that I am crazy for doing so, because of the chance of falling.  I figure I have a greater chance of being in a car accident than falling off of Gabe. Besides, if Mother Mary can ride a donkey while pregnant than why can't I ride my horse? It's not like I'm going to compete in the next Rolex or Kentucky Derby. I've certainly backed off a lot.  For those who ride and understand some of the deep truths of it, will know that it's not just a physical thing, it's emotional and in ways spiritual.  Besides, I think Gabe knows. This time has been very sweet and calming.  I'm not rushing towards anything and that has passed onto Gabe.  I'm not thinking about the next thing or pushing myself or Gabe.  I'm just enjoying being in it, in this time, in this place, in this moment.

Remember

Recently riding Gabe has been harder than ever.  Last week we had a lesson where he digressed to the horse that I rode 6 months ago.  It was so frustrating! Especially since he had been doing so well the past few weeks.  I fought off tears the whole time and completely lost my focus.  The next day I looked at my boots by the door and thought, "Why am I doing this?".  Luckily, not far from those boots is a picture that is certainly worth a thousand words.  It is a autographed picture of the Heasmaster of the Lipizzaner Stallions and his horse in midair.  I will never forget meeting him.  His words play through my ears, "Never give up riding".  He will never know the influence he had with a college freshman that he met in passing in the bar of a hotel. At that point I had given up riding.  College was too much and riding was just not feasible.  But after meeting him I began ridng again.  I rode a horse named Elle that has since passed away, but I learned so much. She was a magnificent horse with all the right buttons and extensive training, which she would share with me.  Then, after  I spent a month in the hospital from a ruptured appendix and pelvic abscess it was time to ride again.  This time it was a horse named Santana.  From the moment I met this horse I noticed his kind, knowing eyes.  This was the horse that would step underneath me when I would shift the wrong way, keeping me from falling. He allowed me to regain my muscles and strength.  I waved at Santana from Gabe's back as his owner drove him off to retire at another farm.  I knew full well that I never would have been able to  Gabe if it hadn't been for Santana.  I also rode another horse during this time, Solomon.  He reminded me of an old man that just wanted to play golf and drink and here I was asking him to take out the trash and mow the lawn.  He was grouchy, but he could jump! He taught me that I was capable of jumping "small houses" and how to truly ride, because if he made the decisions we certainly wouldn't do anything that would break a sweat! So, I remember.  I remember the people who encouraged me and the animals that taught me. There are so many more...from my first pony, Lightning, that would stop every time I fell off, to "Horse Camp" with my Aunt in Virginia, who taught me so much of what it meant to be a "horsewoman". This is what encourages me and helps me put those boots back on the next morning.

Free Riding. Free Love

Recently I've learned of a new way of riding.  It has been an idea in my mind for a while but I hadn't learned how to carry it out until just recently.  I found it best described in a chapter of C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters.  Yet C.S. isn't speaking about horses and training, he's speaking about God and 'free' love.  "Desiring their freedom, He therefore refuses to carry them, by their mere affections and habits, to any of the goals which He sets before them: He leaves them to 'do it on their own'." Because of this freedom to not only choose how we are going to go about things or if we are even going to try at all there is an element of honesty that enters that gives way to power and a beautiful truth.  By the grace of God I'm actually seeing this in my training and my riding.  This more tangibly in my riding looks like not forcing Gabe into a "headset" and letting him look at a jump.  I've found that Gabe has been over-jumping and launching himself at everything because he wasn't even looking at it! Now on one side that is incredibly scary...luckily for us he's a powerful launcher.  On the other hand it means that I have a very willing horse. So, we're finally working past some of his fear issues.  But now he jumps because he knows what he's doing not just because I'm asking him.  This makes me so grateful for the honesty and the heart of my horse and the wisdom and caring of my God that allows me to CHOOSE to love and serve him.

Joys and Frustrations

So, I've recently been riding with a new trainer and it has been wonderful.  She has completely understood the small steps that I'm having to make with Gabe to not only train but to re-train so much of what he knows.  Though they may be small steps they have been huge for me.  I can actually have contact with Gabe now without him throwing his head in my face or in the dirt.  I had just been riding without leg or rein contact because he was so afraid of it, but then he would shoot off at a moments notice. Now, atleast I can enjoy riding my horse.  He also has a rythm! It's amazing what good instruction can do.  Gabe actually does better when I have a steady rein & leg contact because he "knows where I am" and I'm not just going to suprise him with a request. So, constant, steady contact is what I am learning.  Annie also explained why I've been having so much trouble with my leg.  For over two years now trainers have been telling me to bring my leg back and then they would lengthen my stirrup...ugh. I now know that that's like walking into a bar with an alcoholic, handing them money and asking them to stay sober...counterproductive.  So, raise my stirrups to the right length where I don't have to reach for them and drop my heals for center of gravity.  Yes, this is what I have been told since I first sat on a horse, but it's really difficult to see what you're doing wrong when you ride by yourself all the time.  The other huge help was learning that it's really more about hip angle and center of gravity than leg placement.  Unfortunately, for me and my horse my center has been my tush.  I'm not only retraining Gabe...I'm retraining myself!  So, shorten stirrups, close hip angle, drop those blasted heels, and recenter! Huge difference! Especially when riding a young horse that's trying to figure out their center of gravity, too.

Then the frustrating...I rode by myself a few days after my lesson and 30 minutes into the ride all we had been working on just went out the window. I was going over all the things that we had done in the lesson and stuff just fell apart.  Next thing you know I'm frustrated, he's confused, and the best thing I could think to do was just to walk for 10 minutes and try to regain some sort of positive experience.  Then I remember all the hard times, which didn't help.  I remember not having the money to pay for gas to get to the barn to work off Gabe's board, much less to be able to pay for lessons.  Then I would save up for the lesson and it would be horrible.  I would cry about it later.  I rememeber when the last barn manager changed Gabe's feed to a high fat, high protein diet and inceased the feed without telling me.  That was probably the worst month of riding we have ever had. Gabe was so high strung and excitable that he would begin cantering in place the second I sat in the saddle.  I was at a loss as to what I was doing wrong and why he had suddenly become so fat until I just happened to check his feed one evening.  Then I remember all of the "wrong" training.  Training that didn't help or hindred me and Gabe.  It feels like wasted time and money.  But is has been part of what has encouraged me to filter the training I have received and to trust my own instincts.  Somewhere along the way I have met and worked with good trainers.  Theirs are the words I remember.  But more than any trainer it is my horse that teaches me the most.  If I'll listen he tells me, "I'm ready lets do this!" or "I'm afraid.  I don't know what I'm doing, but I'll try."  The later is what I've heard the most.  It's amazing that he's willing to try and trust me after all he has been through.  That is what I need to remember.  I hope to become a better listener and communicator with Gabe, that I could return some of the patient that he has shown me.  He's a good gift from God.  We'll try again tomorrow.

The New

David and I are nicely settled in Spartanburg.  We both keep saying how we've felt like we're on vacation, but since he has starting working the real world has set in.  It's funny how after five months of marraige the arrangement changes.  I've was so spoiled getting to be married while David was in school...meet during my lunch hour-no problem...don't feel like going to class-no problem (for David, lol).  Now it's real life and sometimes it's just hard.  It inspires me more than ever to ride and to ride well.  Gabe has been doing well.  I had to switch his feeds as the only two stores to carry his current feed are in Clemson and Charlotte.  That was an unfortunate realization.  I've also started lessons with Annie Maunder.  I remembered her from when the Eventing Team Schooled with her.  She was so honest and straight-forward, yet positive.  I will forever remember her for saying "Get your hands outa your nickers!" when my reins were too long! Gabe likes her.  Though when she tried to get on he would take just a little bit of a step to the side so she couldn't reach and then he almost pushed her off the mounting block with his head.  I was so mortified! But she laughed and just moved the mounting block.  Annie gave us some great material to work on.  She also confirmed a lot of my training decisions which was a relief.  Our next lesson is this Friday. I've also been enjoying my birthday gifts from David-a  saddle that fits and an ipod shuffle:)  It's amazing the difference a properly fitting saddle makes.  I feel like I've been walking around with the wrong size shoes on.  And the music just helps to relax me...thought it's mostly rap.  It amazing the problems that I try to solve while riding...and then I forget to breathe because I'm thinking so hard.  Who forgets to breathe???  But Gabe reminds me.  I love that Annie said, "This horse might make a decent rider out of you" and it's so true.  Gabe is a teacher and he's stubborn.  He won't do what I want unless I ask him the right way.

I was able to have Gabe volunteered for a massage certification clinic.  I relaxed just watching him get a massage! It was an interesting mix of massage and chiropractic practices.  The masues would move the horse into a stretch and then the horse would have to release.  To do the "release" Gabe would walk behind me and pop his jaw or hip or whatever it was.  The masueses said that it was a trust thing.  That most horses, because they are a prey animal don't want to seem weak, but that Gabe felt safe behind me.  Which made me smile of course:)

One of my favorite people that I've met is the barn manager where I keep Gabe.  With his crazy stories any country musician could have some very creative lyrics..."I made so many daquiries that I broke my blender" or "I came home and she took everything but a beer".

So, a new home, a new barn, a new saddle, new music, a new instructor, a new year...I'll be 24 Saturday, new friends and new lessons to be learned.  

May 3, 2011

Today was a fun ride with Gabe.  I found a whole new series of trails at the very end of a neighboring construction site! The greatest accomplishment was just getting Gabe to only walk through them! He has so much energy that he'd rather canter or gallop everything.  That's one of the things that I love about him.  We have such similar spirits in that way.  We love to go fast and if there's a challenge we're going to try it.  But this type of thinking has also taught me a great deal.  I've learned that just because you can doesn't mean you should jump that or go that fast.  I see Gabe as such a huge gift and the last thing I want to do is to ruin that spirit within him because I allowed us to do too much.  So now I'm the thinking part of this relationship and I'm asking myself new questions.  Instead of, "I think we can make it" or "What's the worst that could happen? I've lived a good life" it's "Will this build Gabe's confidence?" or "Will this benefit our training?".  My goal is to, yes, think smarter and plan wisely, but to not lose the child-like joy and fun that comes from being with my horse.

We finished the day with a short dressage test in a large sand arena that has long been forgotten.  Though the construction workers there may see it as a large sand pit, it has become my imaginary training arena, at times surrounded by stands and judges.  Amist the more realistic random plastic bags, rusted gates, and barking neighborhood dogs, who obviously don't realize Gabe has them by several thousand pounds, we practiced being round, supple, and in constant rythm.  Gabe has improved drastically over the past few months.  My desire for a good solid foundation for Gabe is finally paying off as it is taking less and less time to warm him up and to get him into a good working mind-set.  I'm glad that I have focused the past 4 months on nothing but flat work.  I do look forward to getting back into jumping and cross-country.  That time will come very soon as we are moving to Long Shadows Farm in Campobello.  They have an amazing XC course on site! Now it's time to find a trainer!    

The Beginning

Dear Family & Friends,

            I’m graduating! Finally! May 13^th at 9:30 am I will officially walk across the stage in Little John Coliseum having obtained my BS in Animal and Veterinary Science with a Concentration in Equine Business Management.  I am certain that it is only by the grace of God that I am graduating.  Despite all of the setbacks, from finances to major surgeries, the finish line is in sight! This is largely due to the many people that God put along my path who encouraged and supported me.  More than a college degree, I believe that during these past years I have gained what is truly valuable and important.  Firstly, I know that I am a child of God.  That He loves me and has wonderful plans for me.  Secondly, I met and married my incredible husband, David.  Thirdly, I have been given direction for what I would like to “do” in life.  You all know that I am an animal lover.  For many years I thought that this passion would lead me to become a Veterinarian.  However, another opportunity presented itself as my dreams to become a Vet dissolved.  Several “horse people” that I admired and respected encouraged and inspired me to pursue horseback riding as my profession.  So, this was my prayer, “ God, if you want me to ride professionally, then give me a horse”.   Not even a week later that horse was given to me!  He didn’t like what I thought would be the “horse for me”.  He was emaciated, about 500lbs underweight, considered short for my discipline, a paint, skittish, highly fearfully of anything that moved and had only been trained in western disciplines.  Now this new chapter in life has begun as I take Gabe along the journey to become and International Eventer.  For those that don’t know, this is the triathlon of the horse world including dressage, cross-country, and show jumping.  Though my mount is unusual and my goals lofty, they are not unattainable.  However, I can not do this alone.  I am asking for your support, whether it be through encouraging words, prayers, or finances.  I also believe that the journey is so much greater, the finish more valuable when it has taken unity and foresight to get there.  Thank you for being a part of my life!