Zeke's Heart

I usually use this blog to tell about the journey that I'm on with Gabe, but today it feels right to tell a bit of the story of my son, Zeke. Just know that during this time, Gabe was happily eating grass in a pasture or being loved and ridden by a wonderful young lady that leased him during this time. That is the picture that I had of him in my mind which allowed me to wholeheartedly give myself to becoming a mom. 

*Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I wholely believe that one of the reasons that I have suffered in my life has been to be able to love others better who have or are currently going through painful situations and to be an encourager. Sometimes just knowing that someone else had already "made it to the other side" was what kept me going. Also, some of this is graffic, so don't keep reading if you don't want to read about birth or any other real life stuff. * 

Today I took a heart monitor off of my son for what I hope is the last time. I morbidly thought of how much he looked like a suicide bomber with it strapped to his chest with an ace bandage. There seems to be nothing more vulnerable than the unknown well-being of your child. Sitting on the edge of a helpless situation is not my cup of tea. I am a fighter. There's a reason the boys in elementary and middle school called me "Xena" and "Amazon Woman "...poor adolescent boys. Anyways, it is at that very place that I found myself when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Zeke. Before this time I was just so grateful to be pregnant. I had had three miscarriages in the first year of our marriage. "Unofficially" the fertility specialist, after multiple tests, said that the birth control I had taken had destroyed the lining of my uterus. Whether or not we could have children was unknown. The fear and guilt that I had in this time was insurmountable. My husband's one dream in life was to have children and here I potentially ruined it by following modern culture. I never even asked him about birth control. I just went and had an IUD put in, because who wants kids when you're young, poor and still in school. I remember asking him to pick me up from the clinic because I could hardly undouble from the pain. The procedure that was suppose to take 20 minutes had taken over 2 hours and left me crying, curled up in pain for over a day. But I had done it. I had single-handedly "protected" us from children. What a horrible lie. 

At 30 weeks pregnant I sat listening to the heartbeat of our unborn child. The little baby I had thrown up in my muck boot on my way to work for. The little baby that I had quit my job and sold my truck for. The child I had already taken loads of progresterone for, as a precaution against miscarriage. The progesterone which made my all-day/all-night sickness even worse, the injections making my thighs swell to triple their size in revolt. The midwife lingered. Something was wrong. It's in those moments that all the air leaves the room and you forget that breathing is suppose to be an automatic. A routine checkup turned into a visit to the hospital, which turned into not leaving the hospital. My most feared of places on earth. A place of death and suffering. A place of loss and pain. That was not where I wanted to take my child, to be poked and prodded, speculated and theorized over. But there wasn't a choice, so we went and we stayed. Our normal, uncomplicated pregnancy had just become high-risk. Zeke had SVT and his heart was beating at double the normal rate. We stayed in the hospital as multiple doctors tried to figure out how much medication I could handle that would have the desired effect of slowing Zeke's heart down. The best case scenario was that slowing his heart down would not only allow him proper oxygenation but potentially would allow his heart to heal. Doctors get concerned when a baby's heart rate stays elevated for 24 hours. Zeke's had been double the norm for over a week. The major concern was that his heart would just stop. I was put on continuous fetal monitoring.  I lay there listening to his heart beat, praying it would slow but not stop, praying against an emergency c-section and having a premature baby, and praying that my heart could withstand however much medication Zeke needed. Having a normal pregnancy taken from you feels so unfair. It was during that time when I was laying there feeling my own heart slow that I thought about the people in my life. Those who were loving us well, that knew what was going on and actually cared. I thought of those friends that had been lost along the way, those that gave up caring about us. Then there were the strangers that became friends. The amazing nurses. I thought about my past sins, of how undeserving I was to even be pregnant at all. Years of misusing sex, being sexually abused and assaulted, and using morning after pills (all before meeting and marrying my husband) still tormented my soul. Who was I to deserve something so precious and pure as a baby? Maybe this was justice? Or punishment? If you didn't know this about me then you wouldn't understand why I feel so strongly about motherhood and that it is a GIFT. Children are a GIFT. I felt this when my sister visited with my nieces. It was as if tangible joy walked in the room, covered in pink tutus and ribbons. My sweet sister brought lotion to rub my feet and as she did one on my nieces, who was about 3 years old and being unprompted, did the same and began to rub my swollen feet and ankles. Have you ever been served by a three year old? It's humbling. It's pure. And I was absolutely undeserving of it. It was a tangible reminder that though I didn't deserve love that God was going to love me anyways.  In came PEACE. Ten days later we went home.  I spent the rest of the pregnancy way drugged on heart medication. When I went to fill my prescription the Pharmacist wanted to personally call the Cardiologist to makes sure there wasn't a mistake on the dosage. It was three times the normal amount. Then came delivery. We had been told that if we could have Zeke vaginally that there was a high chance of his SVT being corrected and him not having to go into the NICU. In my heart I was determined to do everything possible to make that happen. Then the concerns started to come from the doctors. He's too big. His torso and stomach are larger than normal. Induction at 38 weeks. I refused. Induction at 39 weeks. Please just let me wait. Why are you guys trying to rush this? My body was made to do this. Why do I have to convince you of this? I am not a statistic and they do not soothe a pregnant mama's mind. Finally I consented to an induction at 39 weeks 4 days. It was my husband that had peace about it, not me, but I trust my husband. After 24 hours of induction and labor I finally asked for an epidural. I hated oxytocin/pit before labor and I hate it to this day. I had reached the point of being consumed by pain and knew that I could not do it on my own any more. I felt defeated. Defeated by modern medicine and longing for "regular pain". It's hard when your birth plan goes exactly the opposite of how you want it to. But I was still avoiding a c-section. Another 10 hours of contractions and strange sleep. Numbness. One large strange blow-up peanut. At one point one of my legs fell off the bed/table. I had to call the nurse to put it back on for me. Thank you. Then it was time. Because I was "doing so well", the intern let the midwifes continue my labor. Shift change came right before pushing time. In walked my favorite midwife. Thank you, Jesus. Only a few pushed they told me, any minute now. Two hours later my son was born. But it was silent. As he lay across my stomach my first words to him were, "You need to breathe now, ok? I love you." Those were the longest moments as I watched from the table and no one said a word. I went from everyone pushing and pulling and cutting to one person left cleaning up the mess.  And there was no comfort for me until I heard that sound. It's the sweetest sound I've ever heard. His cry. The cry of my son. He's breathing. He's living. I could've happily died in that moment. But I didn't. The sweetest gift was placed in my arms, in my protection, in my trust and in my love. The midwife stayed on to help teach me how to nurse him and to monitor him so he wouldn't have to go to the NICU. Little do they know they would've had to knock me unconscious to take him from me. Luckily no one had to experience that. The next few days were full of immense pain and immense joy. Our little guy was strong. His heart was strong. Weeks and and months of checkups and Cardiologist visits have come and gone. A year has past.  They still can not find anything wrong. The last 24 hour halter will be our last test. If all goes well, never again will I have to strap a heart monitor to my child's chest. We can just enjoy Zeke's LIFE and be grateful for the lesson I learned before he was even born; that he is an undeserved gift from God. 

Winter to Spring

This past winter and subsequent spring have been full of adjustments, not only for me and my family, but for Gabe as well. I'm sure he thought I had dropped him in the frozen tundra when he first arrived. We learned about pipes freezing and "snowball high-heels" that have horrible traction on grass. If you ever desire to find out what it feels like to ride an ice-skating horse, then go for it, but once was enough for me. I've seen even more how important it is for Gabe to have a job and finding that balance between mental and physical challenges. Preparedness is what I focus on with him. I've set very specific goals for this year, though they are small in my eyes and in the grand scheme of my equestrian hopes. I've come to find that most horses are physically capable of lower level eventing. Let's face it, it's not until the upper levels that physical capability really begins to separate the herd. It is the mental acuity and adaptation that I find to be the challenge in lower levels and yet that is what I find lacking in the upper levels (as an observer and hopeful). It's the staying calm when in unusual or new situations, it's being a responsive listener and following your person, and it's making up for that person when they get things wrong. These are all things learned at the most basic level and yet they are so commonly neglected. I'm a highly critical person of no one but myself, but an acute observer of others. As my horse becomes an extension of me he many times gets put into the scope of my critical sight. For the majority of my riding life I have not know how to handle this and I've rarely met a trainer that did. The advice was abusive or dismissive. I have followed both paths and been equally discontent. It has been until now that I am secure and confident enough to discover this for myself and my horse. Thank God for a patient horse, a supportive husband and one really easy-going baby. The courage I have gained to seek this out has come from being a mom. Not only am I the example to hopefully another generation of equestrians, but I am also an unintentional ambassador for the "riding moms club". I meet many a young girl who looks at me with fear or anxiety when they see I have a kid. How do I do it? Why do you do it? It's the same answer I gave my hairdresser when she asked why I hadn't chopped of all my hair like the other moms. My answer is this: this is how I like it and my child is not an excuse or a copout to do the things in life that take effort. Even more so it is the reason that spurs me on. How I would hate for my son to grow up and realize that he was a scapegoat for not pursuing my dreams? I had one upper-level eventer say to me," I guess now you'll only ride safe horses since you are a mom." First of all, no horse is really  "safe". Some are riskier than others, but you are unsafe the moment you step through the pasture gate. Secondly, I love developing young horses. I love helping them find what they are good at and have potential for and matching them with that person that loves it as well. What a happy existence those partnerships bring! This is something I have loved for a long time and it has poured into every area of my life. From elementary school age I loved rehoming strays; cats, dogs, birds, you name it. I'd do it with people to if I could. Maybe adoption is I our future😊 I love the healing and redemption that comes through being in the wrong situation and seeing it made right, then there being hope, love and joy in and from that. Yep, throw in some adventure and I'm a happy girl. So, no, I will not just ride "safe" horse the rest of my life. How could I fulfill those desires doing that? Now there is a time and a place for risk management, but I will discover that along the way. 

So, please, ladies out there with kiddos, don't give up on your dreams no matter what it is. Be the first example your child has of being a dreamer and a fullfiller. Show them what hard work and determination look like. Know that you are an example of motherhood and you have the ability to affect generations. Now that is powerful. You will affect future generations positively or negatively, but you will affect it and people's perception of motherhood. For those without kiddos, don't look at me with pitty like my life is over. I have accomplished the most challenging event in my life in having a kid and my son is the most powerful motivator I have ever had. Sure my body is in constant transition and the majority of my time and energy is given to someone that can't even walk or talk. But one day he will.  And he will go into the world with the influence I have placed on him. So no, my life is not over. It has just been hugely challenged and enriched. And I would wish it for anyone that is brave enough for the challenge and wants to see a miracle come to life and feel the humility and joy of motherhood. For you mamas who have taken a break from riding-it's ok. It's not going anywhere and you can always come back to it. Sometimes we have seasons in life where it just doesn't work out; whether it's our body, time, money, anything. That time can still be used to better you as a horse person and you never know what your horse could do for someone else. Some of my best and most influential horse experiences have come from someone else's horse that they weren't able to ride. Plus, if it matters that much to you then you will find a way to make it work in whatever capacity that may be. And if horses are a way of life and not a hobby for you then don't worry about it. It'll happen. As my favorite horsey-Aunt use to say,"Leah, the reason your good with horses is that your more stubborn than they are"! That couldn't be more true. I personally am too stubborn to ever not have horses in my life...I hope that for you too! 

As far as what Gabe and I are working on-we're breaking bad habits. I've found that I raise my reins right before I ask for an increase in speed. I'm sure you can see how that could become an undesirable cue. Gabe also likes to walk off the second my butt hits the saddle...ugh bad manners. He also loves to gallop every hill he sees and when I don't allow it he likes to throw his head up, evade contact and trot or canter in place. So, what did we do? We went back to boring for a while, which was easy in the snow. We walked up and down the hilly drive until I thought he was going to start dragging his nose between his legs. Well, not really, but you get the point. It was only then, after a few weeks of walking that I allowed him to trot. And then we did a lot of downward transitions. I've now started to ask for canter sets, which have been more like gallop sets, but he was fighting me so badly that I pulled from a tactic that I rarely use: wear him out. I only will do this  if it's going to mentally benefit the horse. I'm not about running a horse into the ground. But he was telling me he wanted more. Here was the key: I decided when it started, when it stopped, and for how long. In that way I was listening to his wants but they were being done within my parameters. I use to do this with young horses that liked to run backwards when they got confused or were refusing to listen. I would switch to asking them to backup the second they used that as an evasive maneuver and I would ask them to do it a lot longer than they had originally intended. It switched their mind from being unsure or obstinate to thinking that they were doing something you asked them to do. In this case with Gabe I realized it was time to challenge both his body and his mind. We did two 5 minute gallop sets on hills with 5 minute breaks between. I gave him a day off and then the next day I did a small jump set with him and then walked for 30 minutes. He was still sore and tired from our gallop sets. Two days later and he was back to normal but much more responsive and respectful of our speed. The other thing I have been working on with him is using draw reins. I've used them before when doing breaking and training 3 and 4 year olds or retraining OTBs, but I was highly reluctant to use them as I have seen them misused so harshly. I finally decided that it would help me communicate better with Gabe and that it was a tool and an aide, not a crutch or a weapon. Our first ride with the draw reins was wonderful. Gabe was more balanced and I was able to be more balanced and in control because of it. Gabe got a much better workout and I was able to better ask of him what I wanted. Let me state that I am super careful with my horses mouth. I can't stand seeing unknowledgable hands ruining a horses mouth. I think most riders should learn how to ride with just a halter with reins and bareback(with a bareback pad for some security😊). I know, it sounds harsh, but I think many bad habits could be prevented if people started this way.  Anyways, Gabe and I are increasing our endurance and stamina and trying to do it properly. We'll interval train once a week, jump at least once week, and do our dressage tests 2-3 times a week in as many different locations as we can find. Since our dressage is my weakness, that is what we will focus on for me and getting Gabe fit will be my goal for him. I'm hoping to start lessons in the next few weeks and then hopefully a few dressage shows. Once I feel like we're proficient in that then we'll up our jump game and get to the fun stuff! 

My last thought is on Rolex. I'm excited that the roster has so many top-notch  names and many first or second timers. I'm sad to not be there, soaking up the atmosphere and trekking those beautiful hills of Kentucky. I'm also a bit crestfallen as I could've been there this year as part of a team, an opportunity I turned down. I'm crazy, right?!? I followed my gut on that decision and I'm doing my best not to regret it. I will be studying each horse and rider pair from my couch, grateful that USEF Network covers the event or then I'd definitely cry lol. Best of luck to all the riders and I hope the U.S. represents well this year!

Moving Gabe & Recent Learnings

Gabe is here! It was something that seemed so far away even until the day before I went to pick him up. Once I had that trailer behind the truck, it set in. I was really going to pick up my horse. My whole "family" was going to be together again. It had been 9+ months since I had leased him and almost 3 months since I had last seen him. The time in between was an emotional roller coaster. I had the great opportunity to volunteer at a 4* barn while trying to figure out how and when to move Gabe from SC to VA. As it turns out, most people, professional horse-people or not, don't want to make a 20+ hour trip to move one horse. Man, it was frustrating. I felt so stuck. Not having a truck was the worst part. It's one thing to need a trailer, but a whole rig? You must be joking. In the end and to my great relief, my Dad offered to let me use his truck and I was able to find a trailer company that would lease a trailer out to me. And it would all cost a heck of a lot less than having him shipped. Originally I was going to make the trip by myself, with Zeke of course (my 5 month old). However, a day or so before the trip my Dad offered to come along. *Sigh of relief*. As I told him, I'm stubborn enough I could've done it by myself but not so stubborn that I wouldn't accept his help. He had to make the trip up and back again by himself...then an additional 16+ to move Gabe. In total he drove close to 40 hours in the span of just a few days. I will never be able to thank him enough for helping me at a time when I needed it the most and no one else could or would. He was an absolute rock, driving most of the way and trying to keep me calm. Turns out I've picked up some worrying habits. There's a fine line between smothering and mothering and a horse needs neither. I know these things, but gosh it's hard to NOT do them. All things considered, the trip went great! We arrived at the new barn and snuggled Gabe into his stall for the night. I felt like I could finally take a nice, deep breath. 

The next few days were rough to be honest. He had handled the trip so well. He was eating, drinking, pooping, but he was 3-legged lame. He could barely walk and was falling out of his stall. Luckily it was just that he had been trimmed too short on one hoof before I had picked him up. Within a few days I had a farrier out, shoes on and problem solved. But those few days of him being immobile ended up being sweet. They were a reminder of how we first met. Reminder that he still needed me. Reminder that I wasn't just owner and rider, but friend. It turned out to be a great way to start things back up, by just loving on him, soaking his hoof and brushing him. I'm sure if he would've been rideable after I had just come from a 4* barn that I would've completely started back in the wrong way...being so excited to try all the new things I've learned and push our limits. Thank goodness he was lame. We've now started back slowly, snow permitting. I stretch him out...carrot or currently leftover candy cane stretches are awesome! I'm also integrating some bodywork techniques. Not only does it help him relax, but it reminds me of how responsive a horse' skin is. I think many times as riders and horse people we use way too much strength in our touch. Just because it's a powerful animal does not mean we must meet it with superior strength. We will lose every time and miss out on an amazing connection. You also send your horse into a "blocking" state of mind, where you give them no choice but to shut you out. I always like to start out with the gentlest touch possible and use more if I need it. But that is because I want a highly responsive, "conversational" horse. It's not for everyone. Also, my goal with every horse I own is to ride bridle-less and saddle-less. If that doesn't change your foundational work then nothing will. We've come to a really sweet place. I'm ready to set some goals and review everything we know. My biggest challenge has been actually doing what I know. My hope is that it will become second nature and that I won't even have to think about it, but just respond. I must also say that I'm grateful for the look that I got into the 4* world, for the people I met, friends I made and horses I worked with. It made me incredibly grateful for my horse and helped me see how right we are for each other. Even if I had unlimited funds and could choose any horse in the world I would still pick Gabe. I've also realized how set I am in my foundation as a horsewoman and if something doesn't align with my core principles then I'm ok disagreeing or walking away. Nothing is too temping to compromise on that. I've also seen that there are many great horse-people that will never make it to the top. They've done everything right but it's just a "no go". It's a hard road to the top and to some it's not worth it. My hope is that those that try never forget why they began. That they don't forget their first ride, their first touch of a horse' soft nose and tickling whiskers, the conflicting sweet and sours smells of a barn, that the softest spot on a horse is right behind their elbow, that you can, if you open yourself up, you will find no greater or sweeter friend on this earth than a horse.