As I reflect on the past year and a 1/2 there is so much hurt, frustration, peace, and restoration that it has felt like the roller coaster of a lifetime. From May to November of 2011 I had 3 early term miscarriages. I felt so out of control of my life, though in reality I really have very little "control" of my life at all. As a beautiful blessing Gabe was so good to me. I went from riding him 4 days a week, pushing him hard every day, to riding a few days a week, working on slowing down our walk so I didn't get motion sick, and he's up for it all. He became so protective of me when I was pregnant, pinning his ears and putting his back towards any horse that would approach me when I would go get him from the pasture. He would also rub my stomach with his nose. What a beautiful depth there is to speaking without words. I can not say enough for the bond that can form between a person and horse. It is so far beyond my comprehension and yet it is a very simple love.
I have seen that death is a part of life. We will all see it and experience. How we respond to it is up to us. I am very blessed to be close to the Father and at times have truly heard his audible voice in my life. Minutes before my last miscarriage I heard a voice from my stomach, the voice of my child, say, "I'm ok". There's no greater gift that I could think of receiving than the sound of that voice. I know full well that when I pass into eternity that I will have 3 of my children welcoming me. Throughout this painful time, God has been restoring fears in my life. I've been afraid of having children as much of our culture speaks of them as a disease or plague. My fear has also been of having children in the States, that they would grow up to be spoiled, lazy, selfish, and expectant that they deserve all things, as most American children are. I've also been afraid of being a stay-at-home mom, as our culture looks down on that choice as "second best" to a professional career. I've been afraid that I would be alone once I had children and that I would get fat. Well, let me tell you, my fear of culture and man has been greater than my trust in God's power to overcome those things. Even after all the death and darkness God has previously brought me through I still forget his truths.
So now I press on. I still struggle with seeing pregnant women, children, and especially babies. I also struggle with judging pregnant women who don't want to be pregnant, don't have a good marriage, who aren't good moms and don't have any desire to be, who lazily leave the raising of their children to the schools or the church. It's a critical spirit and I battle it.
However, God has been very clear with me that I am to pursue my dream of being a Vet. The past year I have been putting the desires of my husband above the desires of my God, which has probably be the cause of much of my pain. So, though I will have to address and fight against many of my greatest fears just to apply, that is exactly what I am going to do. But not alone. I have my husband, whom God has thankfully given us unity on this decision, I have my God, who knew all along, I have a handful of friends that "get it", and I have more family behind me than I ever have before. Talk about the restoration of God. So, practically this means taking those last pre-reqs that I didn't finish at Clemson, studying and taking the GRE again, because my scores are so old they don't count anymore:( , researching schools, talking to admission people and completely bearing my life to them, and preparing for moving. It is from death to life that I go. Not in perfection, but with hope. In expectation of God to do great things, for hardships to be many, for difficulties to be greater than I've already experienced, and for God to provide when I'm empty of anything good or worthwhile.
