Moving Gabe & Recent Learnings

Gabe is here! It was something that seemed so far away even until the day before I went to pick him up. Once I had that trailer behind the truck, it set in. I was really going to pick up my horse. My whole "family" was going to be together again. It had been 9+ months since I had leased him and almost 3 months since I had last seen him. The time in between was an emotional roller coaster. I had the great opportunity to volunteer at a 4* barn while trying to figure out how and when to move Gabe from SC to VA. As it turns out, most people, professional horse-people or not, don't want to make a 20+ hour trip to move one horse. Man, it was frustrating. I felt so stuck. Not having a truck was the worst part. It's one thing to need a trailer, but a whole rig? You must be joking. In the end and to my great relief, my Dad offered to let me use his truck and I was able to find a trailer company that would lease a trailer out to me. And it would all cost a heck of a lot less than having him shipped. Originally I was going to make the trip by myself, with Zeke of course (my 5 month old). However, a day or so before the trip my Dad offered to come along. *Sigh of relief*. As I told him, I'm stubborn enough I could've done it by myself but not so stubborn that I wouldn't accept his help. He had to make the trip up and back again by himself...then an additional 16+ to move Gabe. In total he drove close to 40 hours in the span of just a few days. I will never be able to thank him enough for helping me at a time when I needed it the most and no one else could or would. He was an absolute rock, driving most of the way and trying to keep me calm. Turns out I've picked up some worrying habits. There's a fine line between smothering and mothering and a horse needs neither. I know these things, but gosh it's hard to NOT do them. All things considered, the trip went great! We arrived at the new barn and snuggled Gabe into his stall for the night. I felt like I could finally take a nice, deep breath. 

The next few days were rough to be honest. He had handled the trip so well. He was eating, drinking, pooping, but he was 3-legged lame. He could barely walk and was falling out of his stall. Luckily it was just that he had been trimmed too short on one hoof before I had picked him up. Within a few days I had a farrier out, shoes on and problem solved. But those few days of him being immobile ended up being sweet. They were a reminder of how we first met. Reminder that he still needed me. Reminder that I wasn't just owner and rider, but friend. It turned out to be a great way to start things back up, by just loving on him, soaking his hoof and brushing him. I'm sure if he would've been rideable after I had just come from a 4* barn that I would've completely started back in the wrong way...being so excited to try all the new things I've learned and push our limits. Thank goodness he was lame. We've now started back slowly, snow permitting. I stretch him out...carrot or currently leftover candy cane stretches are awesome! I'm also integrating some bodywork techniques. Not only does it help him relax, but it reminds me of how responsive a horse' skin is. I think many times as riders and horse people we use way too much strength in our touch. Just because it's a powerful animal does not mean we must meet it with superior strength. We will lose every time and miss out on an amazing connection. You also send your horse into a "blocking" state of mind, where you give them no choice but to shut you out. I always like to start out with the gentlest touch possible and use more if I need it. But that is because I want a highly responsive, "conversational" horse. It's not for everyone. Also, my goal with every horse I own is to ride bridle-less and saddle-less. If that doesn't change your foundational work then nothing will. We've come to a really sweet place. I'm ready to set some goals and review everything we know. My biggest challenge has been actually doing what I know. My hope is that it will become second nature and that I won't even have to think about it, but just respond. I must also say that I'm grateful for the look that I got into the 4* world, for the people I met, friends I made and horses I worked with. It made me incredibly grateful for my horse and helped me see how right we are for each other. Even if I had unlimited funds and could choose any horse in the world I would still pick Gabe. I've also realized how set I am in my foundation as a horsewoman and if something doesn't align with my core principles then I'm ok disagreeing or walking away. Nothing is too temping to compromise on that. I've also seen that there are many great horse-people that will never make it to the top. They've done everything right but it's just a "no go". It's a hard road to the top and to some it's not worth it. My hope is that those that try never forget why they began. That they don't forget their first ride, their first touch of a horse' soft nose and tickling whiskers, the conflicting sweet and sours smells of a barn, that the softest spot on a horse is right behind their elbow, that you can, if you open yourself up, you will find no greater or sweeter friend on this earth than a horse. 

VA Update

Leasing Gabe is probably the hardest horse-related thing I've ever done, yet conversely it was probably the best thing I could've done for him. I know he has gotten to travel to more competitions and clinics than I could've taken him to...especially while pregnant and then with a newborn. Also, I know he's being loved and spoiled by a young girl(lady), something every horse should get to experience. It's also challenged me to develop my life outside of horses(gasp). For any horse person this is just plain old hard to do. I've struggled with deep sadness and had to do a lot of "open hand" living. And just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore I was given that breath of air to keep me going, I got to touch a horse, and then like CPR to the drowning I got to ride. I didn't just get to ride once, I rode 4 times. 2 different horses, until I thought my legs were gonna fall off and I would never be able to sit again. It was awesome. My circling the field, a few ground poles, trot poles, and canter poles felt nothing less than epic. Thank goodness no one was around to see my dismount, if you can even call it that. I'm reminded of the kindness of the horse. They must have known how weak I am. Especially with the knowledge of some of these horses, the places they've traveled, the things they've achieved, some of them having already achieved some of my greatest dreams and yet they let me fumble around them and flop on their back like an ever-shifting bag of rice. I will forever be indebted to these wonderful animals. I will also continue to petition my muscles to return to me at their earliest convenience. In the meantime, I will continue to be a sponge around this new barn where the latest advances in equine exercise physiology and therapy are being used daily and I will try to not idolize the people teaching me, because as it turns out, they do get on a horse one foot at a time. 

Let's not be a chicken

Or chicken-s*** as one of my best friends called me in only the way a best friend can. This is what happens to me when I have an opportunity to talk to or work with a rider that I really respect. Even the thought of them knowing I exist makes me sick to my stomach. It's a complete rock-star, celebrity, "Beatles-style" star-struck emotion that I wish I didn't have. Please hide me under a rock because nothing I could do or say is worthy of your consideration and I might just start crying because I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of your awesomeness. It's pathetic, I know. 

I'll never forget when I met the Riding Master for the Lippizaner Stallions. My family and I were back at our hotel after watching their performance and my Dad had recognized him in the bar. My Dad, being the great people lover he is, had no problem going with me to talk to him and if it had not been for his encouragment I would have of course run the other way, content and complete having seen him so close. Who was I to speak to someone so great, so well-trained, so "international"? I hadn't ridden in six months and I couldn't even pronounce half the above air movements.  If it had not been for the graciousness of the Riding Master I wouldn't have said a word. I probably would have just stared at him and wondered things like,"Does he clean his own boots?". Instead, he kindly asked me questions about myself and my riding and it ended up being one of the most inspiring conversations I've ever had. I went back to the hotel room, shut myself in the bathroom and cried. 

Now, I have another opportunity to meet a rider that I greatly respect. She's a 4* Eventer that I was truly inspired and encouraged by her performance at Rolex this past year. David, Zeke and I are going this weekend to meet her barn team and see if they have a place for me. Now, I just recently birthed a child and I'm more intimidated by this weekend than I was about giving birth. I just keep telling myself that every 4* rider is human.  I like to think that they weren't just born talented and at one time in their life they were not so different from me. They were young, inexperienced and hopeful dreamers who worked hard to achieve their goals. If I can keep this in mind I might actually be able to talk to them. Or I could just fain being mute and maybe they'll take pitty on me, then after a year or two of mucking stalls in their vicinity I may be able to procure an utterance in their presence. It would be truly miraculous! Mute girl learns to speak by mucking stalls! But no, that won't work at all. Because now I have a son, a little person that I'm suppose to set an example for. So I'll be brave. I'll talk to the people I admire most and aspire to be like. I'll work hard, I'll dream, I'll take chances and be willing to embarrass myself and royally mess things up. And who knows, maybe this is a new chapter, maybe this is when I get over being a chicken-s***, but I'll never know until I try and it's certainly worth trying. 

Out of the tack lessons: Having Babies

It's interesting to me how life can prepare you for future moments without your knowledge. Being around horses has done this for me in many ways and it has shaped the way I think. Here are some things I found to be true for me in my latest adventure of bringing my son Zeke into the world. 

   You can not function out of fear. Just as a horse will sense someone's fear and either respond in fight or flight, so it is for those who approach pregnancy in the same way. I struggled with this in my own thoughts, the opinions of others, and especially the medical field. However, there is power and freedom in learning how to filter what you hear and choosing what will consume your thoughts. One of my filters is the "fruit filter". I look at the person giving the advice or whatnot and gauge what fruit it has given them and if I would want that for myself. If the fruit is good then the method of how it came into being is worth listening to.

     Partnership. Most horse people spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money finding a horse for their chosen discipline. If they're competing, only minutes are spent doing so in comparison to hours of preparation. And it's very telling. The same is true of marriage and having kids. Choose wisely. Put the time and effort in and when it comes show time you'll be glad you did.

   The unexpected happens. The worst thing that can happen is death. For me that's not so bad. It's even a good thing. So, prepare the best you can and then just let life play out. Learn from it. It'll be ok. Plus, pain is only temporary. That's what I tell myself before cross country and apparently childbirth. 

   Laugh and have fun if you can...especially if it's actually funny. Laughing can be the best medicine. So if you fall off your horse and a pile of poo softened your fall, then laugh. To the nurse who heard me comment while in labor that finally the day would come when I wouldn't have "hobbit feet", it was ok to laugh. 

   Community. Surround yourself with good, stable, happy people. Horses definitely try to do this and it's no wonder why. 

   Visualization. While going through contractions I thought I would visualize holding my son and that that would help me make it through. Turns out it didn't. Being that I am extremely visual and had never held my son before, all I could "see" was a blank page. So, what could I picture that like a contraction was intimidating but had a beginning and an end. Well, I was back on xc heading to a jump on top of a hill. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Jump. And on to the next one. I must say that was the longest 38 hours of xc visualization I've ever done. Maybe next time I'll change the course a bit. 

   Don't give up. Shortly after becoming pregnant I began to address myself as a "broodmare" and "out-to-pasture". This was certainly how I felt about myself and how I felt I was being treated by many. How sad is that? To those young horse people out there, having children is not the end of your participation in the equestrian world. It is actually the continuation of something much bigger. You can't be selfish if you're going to participate in it. The price you pay is worth the outcome. Your body will come back, and maybe even better then it was before. Don't let the fear of the uncertain keep you from potential joy. In light of all this, I've decided to give myself some patience and some room to recover. At least as much as I would give a "broodmare" coming back into work:)  

   Here's to horses and all the life lessons they bring. 

   

Prayers for Pregnancy

Dear God, please keep me from fear and anxiety. Put trust and a calm, peaceful spirit in their place. May your truths be what circulate through my mind. God help me to love those who tell me painful and heartbreaking birthing stories. May I be able to give them some of the comfort they are seeking. Keep me from complaining. Remind me constantly that this child is a gift and that many women desperately crave to feel the joys and burdens of being pregnant and having children. Remind me that birth is normal and beautiful and that you made my body to do this. Keep me from being selfish about my body, what it looks like and will look like. May I welcome each transition, feeling, emotion and pain as a right of passage. Help me remember that pain is only pain and that it is only temporary. Keep me calm, as worry and freaking-out never helped anyone. Please help me to remember my husband in this time, that he was the first person I committed my life to. May I not be so involved in myself and this baby that I forget to love him well. May I also see beyond my own needs and emotions to those around me, to friends, family, strangers, nurses, and doctors. Keep me from being self-consumed. May I already set the example for my child now in pregnancy and during birth. Remind me of the positive birth stories I know and of the amazing women they belong to. May you give me a birth story that can encourage and comfort other new moms. Thank you for this gift. Thank you for this opportunity. Please keep me grateful. 

Passing the Lead

Sometimes you start a new chapter in life without even realizing it. It seems to usually happen when you've gotten into the swing of things, figured it all out and there's a plan in progress. That's when it happens. When one small thing changes everything. My life has happily been full of these changes. I've learned that if I just take a deep breath, remember the greatness of God and the smallness of my "plan", it usually turns out better then I could have ever dreamed. 

So after my last/first show with Gabe I learned that I was pregnant. It was such a mix of joy, relief and anxiety. After 3 early term miscarriages in the beginning of our marriage, this was not a journey I felt ready to take. None the less, I am 6 months pregnant with one very active, healthy little boy and not one complication in sight. In not being ready for the struggles of pregnancy I was also not ready for the blessings it has already brought. I trust God deeper than ever before. My husband has loved and served me unlike anyone else in my life. His love reminds me of Jesus constantly. I was able to quit my job and be completely rested. I turned down a career as an Environmental Scientist. I sold my newly bought truck. All these things felt so un-American, so anti-cultural. It's not that I didn't have options and that by default I am choosing to be a mom. I am actively, happily choosing and stating that being the major influence in my child's life is the most important thing I could possibly do right now and in the future. The hardest part of this for me has not been the loss of a career or of freedom, but the loss of riding my horse. Now I am a huge proponate for listening to your body and your brain when it's comes to physical activity while being pregnant. I also have hailed the women I've heard of that have ridden while pregnant...Mary King, Georgiana Bloomberg, and of course there's Mother Mary. I also have seen many a pregnant equestrian go into this time with great sadness. I've met women in their forties who just began riding again after raising kids and just don't seem to "have it" anymore. They have the courage and spine of a rice cake. However, some of my greatest equestrian heroes are in their forties and could put me to shame in technique, skill, and a numbness to fear. How these women end up in such different places is still something I'm seeking out as I am bound and determined to be one of those later equestrians. However, now is not that time. I think I could've kept on riding for a few more months, but that would be on a differnt horse. You see Gabe is a pleaser and I have been training and pushing him towards perfection and excellence for the past three plus years. When our rides became the equivalent of what our warm-ups use to be I could tell he was bored. He very kindly accepted me how I was, but I couldn't stand it. I could not accept it. Plus, I still have 3 more months to go and it's the beginning of a new show season. I have seen many a horse sit in a pasture and have their talent wasted away. Sometimes one season off becomes years upon years and then a horse that couldn't had a whole other half of their career has just grazed away into obscurity. Now this is perfect for some horses. However, Gabe is the happiest when working and working hard. He is in his prime and I have finally submitted that I will not be the one to lead him forward in this time. I also realize that I have not been the only one to have taken part in Gabe's journey so far. There was his initial rescuer, then my friend who brought me to the horsemanship clinic where we met, vets, farriers, trainers, barn managers, workers and owners. I have been an overseer and coordinator of such and that will continue. But why should I let it stop there. I feel like animals are ment to be blessing, so let him bless. So, through the connections of trainers(thank you!) I was introduced to a young pony club rider in need of a horse. It could not have been a better fit. I remember what it was like when someone else let me ride their horse and I couldn't stop smiling. I never could've expected what it would feel like to give a gift to someone else that was once given to me. Not only that, but I saw the full circle of a horse that was once imaciated and mentally unhealthy now not just being able to be rideable by me, but to be perfectly attuned to this girl and to be a teacher himself. That has been one of the greatest joys and compliments of my riding career. So, yes I have a temporary, selfish sadness that I'm not the one riding Gabe, but it is so far, far outweighed by the joy and fullness of watching that little girl ride and love him. What a gift. Now I can rest and focus on my little baby to come knowing that I have done my best to steward this wonderful horse that was given to me. 

First Show

We finally did it...well, kind of. We made it to our first show. Three years of rehab, training, and a lot of hard hours in the saddle. Not to mention tack, buying a truck and borrowing a trailer. Everything came together. I found a great schooling show at Windridge. I actually had a weekend off from work. I had already been on the show grounds months before, seen the course, reviewed our level and I knew it would be a good test for us. Also, my parents and husband would be there. Yay for a support team:) Then the day came...I couldn't eat a thing. It was one of those days when time slows down when you wish it would hurry up. I had prepared as much as I knew how and now there was nothing left to do but to test myself and my mount. Fortunately and unfortunately you can't learn everything from a video or a trainer, it's through living life and experiencing things where your true makeup is tested. I learned that Gabe is going to do his best to put poop in strange places before a show...like his eye. However, I was prepared for that, because I know my horse. I also learned that people in the warm up ring can get a little out of control. One rider made Gabe so nervous that we just waited on the outside of the ring until they were done. I learned that you never know what to expect. From people walking out of the woods because the couldn't make it to the porter potty to a lady who shoved a stirafome cup between two tree branches as we were entering warmup, you just never know. However, the most important thing I learned is to not let anyone break your concentration, because people, well-meaning or not, will say just about anything. My next ride before dressage just call me Stonewall Jackson, because I'm not talking to a soul. I'm sure that whatever anyone has to say can wait until I finish my little test. Maybe I'll get better at that later, but it's not worth experiencing completely bombing my dressage test again. Another hard lesson learned was that I need to practice my dressage tests in different directions. I knew that I had a "spacial memory", but I had no idea it was that strong. Unfortunately, I had been practicing my dressage test in the complete opposite position from how it was set up at the show. Once I heard that first horn...sigh...I was done for. I lost count of how many times I went off course. Just keep moving and get it over with. Luckily, the judges were very kind and called out the remaining test to me. The worst part is that I felt like I let Gabe down. Here's an animal that is so talented and has come so far, but I couldn't even display that. I constantly battle the doubt that I'm not a good enough rider for him. Then I remember that the past three years of training have been about him. Now it's my turn. At one time all I did was focus on Gabe's weaknesses and we worked on them. Hard. Relentlessly. Now it is his work ethic and achievement that inspires me. I hope I remember that if I happen to go off course in my dressage test again. I also hope I can just find a good place to cry. Maybe, if that had been the case I could've gotten it over with and put myself back together before stadium and xc. Sadly, I couldn't pull myself together. I decided that I wouldn't be safe riding Gabe in the next two tests as I was on the verge of a meltdown and I still had to safely trailer home. My husband kindly withdrew for me and both he and my parents helped pack everything up and trailer out as my stadium round was starting. I will always be grateful for that.

It's been almost 4 months since that show. I still remember laying on the couch for what seemed days...trying to get the sound of a horn out of my head. I've had nightmares about dressage tests. But that's not all. I went to a dressage clinic and was so inspired. Friends called. Gabe was sweet and wonderful to ride. I watched USEA clinic videos. I listened to the stories of others. And you know what? I am not the first show heart-break nor will I be the last. Also, the people who have overcome these types of scenarios are the ones who are the strongest and enduring athletes. I was listening to an interview of a pro snowboarder who lost her first Olympics because she fell moments before the finish line to win the bronze. And yet now as she has returned to try for the gold she said that her proudest and most meaningful moment would be winning her bronze metal, because that was the moment when she learned who she was and was tested to her fullest capacity. I feel the same. I still have my bridle number from the show and I look at it every day. Because it reminds me of where I've come from and where I want to go. It reminds me that that will not be my last show experience, but only my first. It will be my inspiration to focus on my weaknesses and lack of show experience. It's not a failure, but just another lesson. And as my husband reminded me, my main goal was just to make it to my first show. So, now back to the drawing board. It's time to learn some more, soak up everything I can, ride and one day try again.