The Suburban Horsewife

The Suburban Horsewife may be one of the more appropriate terms for what to call me. I was thinking about this the other day while driving and seeing all of the stickers that people put on their cars to identify themselves. I began to ponder what a sticker would like like that would define me...the next image that popped into my mind made me smile at its ridiculousness. Just imaging one of those female stick figures with a ponytail sitting on a horse with a Clemson tattoo on its but, while I'm hugging a tree in one hand, frying pan in the other, broom and cleaning products strapped to the saddle, with laboratory gloves and goggles on, two dogs and husband in the mix, and a large cross cascading over the outline of Africa surrounding this whole mess. Ha! Defined! Now let's put it in a box and then all the Americans can attempt to be abated while still terribly confused. This is my life and I have chosen every bit of it. So often I see people who just trade in one thing for the other...ex- horses are traded for children, job, age, education or boyfriend/husband. And yet if there is one thing that I have learned that seems universal, it is that if it matters to you, truly matters, then you will find a way to make it happen. That's why people's excuses seem so frail to me. Now reasons are one thing, but excuses are another...and they're a cop-out. Reasons and circumstances may explain you, but they don't have to define you. I think of this constantly as I want so badly to take Gabe to our first competition. And we're ready. We've been ready. We may not win, but we are ready to test ourselves and to try. I told David the other day, "I have been talking about competing for almost 8 years now. I am tired of talking about it. I want to actually do it. And if I'm not going to do it then I just need to give up and shut up about it". There was a pause and then I said, "But we both know I'm not very good at giving up" and he smiled at me.
So now that we've finished building our house and moved in, all I need to do is get a truck and trailer, dressage saddle, a few more show clothes, pants that fit(because I've lost 25lbs) and the best 1st timers show situation planned out with trainer on hand. Just maybe this will all happen before 2014, but if not then I guess you won't hear about it...

Colic

These past 6 months have been the most challenging with Gabe. We went through our first colic scare together. Apparently, he didn't drink enough water the one day that it snowed and that was all it took to begin 48 hrs of a colic nightmare. To be honest it went really well for it being a bad situation. I noticed the symptoms very early, the Vet was out in an hour, he was diagnosed and medicated within two hours. The rest was just the hard work portion...walking him every hour for the first 12 hours and then feeding 1/4 of his food every 3 hours and a lot more walking. I discovered several things through this experience. First of all, there is nothing like a punctual and trustworthy Vet, who actually loves what they do. Thank you Dr. Metcalf at Tryon Equine Hospital! Secondly, you learn a lot about a persons personality in times of trouble. My barn owner let me sleep in his cabin and use his wood stove throughout the 30 degree night. The dogs were welcome as well, with Tamu on my lap and Duke under my arm we stayed warm on an old couch for our 1 hr sleep intervals. I was so grateful for those two dogs! They have been such good friends to me. My boss let me have the next day off...I love working for an animal lover! David drove 3hrs, before going in to work a night shift, to pick up my Dad's truck and my sisters stethoscope. A cowboy that I had spoken with only a few times was willing to let me use his trailer if things went poorly and we had to move Gabe to the Equine Hospital. And one of my sweet friends texted me that she was praying for Gabe and kept checking up on him:) Overall, I realized how blessed I am to be surrounded by caring and generous people, people who say, "Call me if you need anything". And they mean it.
Now we are on the mend. I've celebrated horse flatulence and BMs like never before. Gabe loves his new soaked Timothy hay and I find myself quite jealous of it some mornings as it's steaming in the morning light and I'm eating a piece of toast. He seems to get the same enjoyment out of it as I do a nice cup of tea in a comfy chair. The interesting part of all this is that Gabe nickers to me now. In the 3 years I've owned him he has probably done that twice and the same goes for talking to other horses. He's the quite, silent type. But now he nickers to me just about every time I come out to the barn. Love it! He also comes galloping up to come see me...commence melting heart and warm fuzzies:) It's those moments that make sleepless nights and expensive vets bills worth it. It's for those moments that people who love me or are just kind strangers rearranged their schedule to help me. And yet we are so far away from our riding goals, but it's moments like that that I wouldn't trade for any great equestrian accolade in the world. My horse knows I love him and he loves me back. Immeasurable. Priceless.

It's all about moving...new house, new barn, and outa the way!

Ahhh, the curve ball-It's been a time of remembering what I already know and putting those things into practice. Since my last update I've moved Gabe to a "new" farm. It was actually one of the best horse moving experiences I've had. The barn owner(from the place I was leaving) offered for me to use his King Ranch truck and trailer to move Gabe and wouldn't accept a penny for it! It was already hooked up for me to boot! I mean that kinda stuff just doesn't really happen in the horse world! Anyways, I moved Gabe because David and I are building a house. That's right, we don't like living in Spartanburg and we're gonna build a house just outside of it...eish. However, we both have great jobs and have not had any opportunities to leave though we have looked...and trust me, I've looked VERY hard. So, what do you do when you want to leave but your suppose to stay? You wait. You seek contentment. You learn to give, grow, and learn no matter where you are or whatever circumstances you're in. You stop pleading with God to give you something else and trust that he knows what he's doing a heck of a lot better then you do. That's the hope at least. So, now we're here. We're investing. And back to horsey stuff, Gabe is now 5 minutes away and I'm doing all of his care. This was going great until I discovered some nasty habits and manners that he's been getting away with. And I don't just mean elbows on the table and belching kinda stuff. Oh no, I'm talking about charging through the stall door, breaking the cross ties and running away, ears pinned, butt turned, and kicking me in the knee when I took his blanket off. I have never been so mad and bewildered at this gentle spirit who turned into 2 yr old hellion over night. More than anything though my feelings were hurt. Here's a horse that I wake up hours early and get home late after work to see and pick up his poop, feed, brush, and exercise. I realized that he doesn't exactly take that into consideration. However, he has taught me yet another important lesson...he doesn't know how hard I work to pay for him or how much sleep I don't get so that he's well taken care of...he is a horse. Sometimes I completely forget that. Though they have an amazing sense about them and are incredible creatures at the core of what they are and what they were created to be is "horse" and the second I forget that is when we have problems. I remember just before I moved Gabe I thought I smelled something funny, like rain rot, by his hoof and so what did I do? I picked up his hoof and promptly stuck my nose as close as I could to it...my face was centimeters away. It hit me then that I had completely lost touch with the fact that Gabe was a horse and what I was doing was completely stupid and unsafe. I had forgotten what I already know. First, you treat a horse as a horse. Think about things from their mentality as a herd animal, an animal that was once preyed on, their field of vision, their body language, and then you can communicate with them in a way they understand and in that there is a bond and a beautiful friendship. My problem is that I forgot all about the horse part and just relied on friendship. I began to see that I praised Gabe for everything...eating, drinking, standing, etc. Talk about behaving like an overindulgent mother! And who likes to be around that? No one. No person or animal needs to be praised for just existing. Gabe knew it, saw me a weak, and decided that he would take over as the herd leader since I was mentally unfit. Which is completely about survival. Smart horse when your person is making dumb decisions. I think that's why a synchronized, harmonious horse and rider team is so beautiful...it's a relationship built on a deep understanding of one another, where both are submitting some form or fashion of their safety and well-being to the other. Think about what a horse is saying to you when you put a bit in his mouth? I trust you. I give you control. A rider trusts that a horse will take them to a fence and find a way over it safely. Even just having someone get on a horse's back says a lot about trust both ways. It's when we forget who the other is when we disrupt that friendship and degrade what is meant to be beautiful. For those of you who are equestrians, I hope this encourages you to be in rhythm with your horse, to know what your job is and what it isn't and the same for your horse. For those that are not equestrians, horse lessons can always be applied to some other area of your life...just ask any horse person and I'm sure they'll be able to think of something:)

From Death to Life

As I reflect on the past year and a 1/2 there is so much hurt, frustration, peace, and restoration that it has felt like the roller coaster of a lifetime.  From May to November of 2011 I had 3 early term miscarriages.  I felt so out of control of my life, though in reality I really have very little "control" of my life at all. As a beautiful blessing Gabe was so good to me.   I went from riding him 4 days a week, pushing him hard every day, to riding a few days a week, working on slowing down our walk so I didn't get motion sick, and he's up for it all.  He became so protective of me when I was pregnant, pinning his ears and putting his back towards any horse that would approach me when I would go get him from the pasture.  He would also rub my stomach with his nose.  What a beautiful depth there is to speaking without words. I can not say enough for the bond that can form between a person and horse. It is so far beyond my comprehension and yet it is a very simple love.

I have seen that death is a part of life.  We will all see it and experience.  How we respond to it is up to  us.  I am very blessed to be close to the Father and at times have truly heard his audible voice in my life.  Minutes before my last miscarriage I heard a voice from my stomach, the voice of my child, say, "I'm ok".  There's no greater gift that I could think of receiving than the sound of that voice. I know full well that when I pass into eternity that I will have 3 of my children welcoming me.  Throughout this painful time, God has been restoring fears in my life.  I've been afraid of having children as much of our culture speaks of them as a disease or plague. My fear has also been of having children in the States, that they would grow up to be spoiled, lazy, selfish, and expectant that they deserve all things, as most American children are.  I've also been afraid of being a stay-at-home mom, as our culture looks down on that choice as "second best" to a professional career.  I've been afraid that I would be alone once I had children and that I would get fat.  Well, let me tell you, my fear of culture and man has been greater than my trust in God's power to overcome those things.  Even after all the death and darkness God has previously brought me through I still forget his truths.

So now I press on.  I still struggle with seeing pregnant women, children, and especially babies.  I also struggle with judging pregnant women who don't want to be pregnant, don't have a good marriage,  who aren't good moms and don't have any desire to be, who lazily leave the raising of their children to the schools or the church. It's a critical spirit and I battle it.

However, God has been very clear with me that I am to pursue my dream of being a Vet.  The past year I have been putting the desires of my husband above the desires of my God, which has probably be the cause of much of my pain.  So, though I will have to address and fight against many of my greatest fears just to apply, that is exactly what I am going to do.  But not alone.  I have my husband, whom God has thankfully given us unity on this decision, I have my God, who knew all along,  I have a handful of friends that "get it", and I have more family behind me than I ever have before. Talk about the restoration of God.  So, practically this means taking those last pre-reqs that I didn't finish at Clemson, studying and taking the GRE again, because my scores are so old they don't count anymore:( , researching schools, talking to admission people and completely bearing my life to them, and preparing for moving.  It is from death to life that I go. Not in perfection, but with hope.  In expectation of God to do great things, for hardships to be many, for difficulties to be greater than I've already experienced, and for God to provide when I'm empty of anything good or worthwhile.    

"A planned life is a closed life"

"A planned life is a closed life" seems to be the story of mine. It's a quote from the movie The Inn of the 6th Happiness. It's a wonderful true story of a women who is "unqualified" to go to a remote region of China as a missionary and ends up being excatly the right person.  God used her to bring hope and health to a forgotted and poor people and to save hundreds of children's lives in the face of the Japanese attack on China. The point being that it is usually what we did not plan that ends up being the joy, wonder, excitement, and fullfillment of our lives.  So, as I have discovered that I am two months pregnant my life has been opened wide.

So, where does this put sweet Gabe? Well, every medical person I have spoken to has told me not to ride and that I am crazy for doing so, because of the chance of falling.  I figure I have a greater chance of being in a car accident than falling off of Gabe. Besides, if Mother Mary can ride a donkey while pregnant than why can't I ride my horse? It's not like I'm going to compete in the next Rolex or Kentucky Derby. I've certainly backed off a lot.  For those who ride and understand some of the deep truths of it, will know that it's not just a physical thing, it's emotional and in ways spiritual.  Besides, I think Gabe knows. This time has been very sweet and calming.  I'm not rushing towards anything and that has passed onto Gabe.  I'm not thinking about the next thing or pushing myself or Gabe.  I'm just enjoying being in it, in this time, in this place, in this moment.

Remember

Recently riding Gabe has been harder than ever.  Last week we had a lesson where he digressed to the horse that I rode 6 months ago.  It was so frustrating! Especially since he had been doing so well the past few weeks.  I fought off tears the whole time and completely lost my focus.  The next day I looked at my boots by the door and thought, "Why am I doing this?".  Luckily, not far from those boots is a picture that is certainly worth a thousand words.  It is a autographed picture of the Heasmaster of the Lipizzaner Stallions and his horse in midair.  I will never forget meeting him.  His words play through my ears, "Never give up riding".  He will never know the influence he had with a college freshman that he met in passing in the bar of a hotel. At that point I had given up riding.  College was too much and riding was just not feasible.  But after meeting him I began ridng again.  I rode a horse named Elle that has since passed away, but I learned so much. She was a magnificent horse with all the right buttons and extensive training, which she would share with me.  Then, after  I spent a month in the hospital from a ruptured appendix and pelvic abscess it was time to ride again.  This time it was a horse named Santana.  From the moment I met this horse I noticed his kind, knowing eyes.  This was the horse that would step underneath me when I would shift the wrong way, keeping me from falling. He allowed me to regain my muscles and strength.  I waved at Santana from Gabe's back as his owner drove him off to retire at another farm.  I knew full well that I never would have been able to  Gabe if it hadn't been for Santana.  I also rode another horse during this time, Solomon.  He reminded me of an old man that just wanted to play golf and drink and here I was asking him to take out the trash and mow the lawn.  He was grouchy, but he could jump! He taught me that I was capable of jumping "small houses" and how to truly ride, because if he made the decisions we certainly wouldn't do anything that would break a sweat! So, I remember.  I remember the people who encouraged me and the animals that taught me. There are so many more...from my first pony, Lightning, that would stop every time I fell off, to "Horse Camp" with my Aunt in Virginia, who taught me so much of what it meant to be a "horsewoman". This is what encourages me and helps me put those boots back on the next morning.

Free Riding. Free Love

Recently I've learned of a new way of riding.  It has been an idea in my mind for a while but I hadn't learned how to carry it out until just recently.  I found it best described in a chapter of C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters.  Yet C.S. isn't speaking about horses and training, he's speaking about God and 'free' love.  "Desiring their freedom, He therefore refuses to carry them, by their mere affections and habits, to any of the goals which He sets before them: He leaves them to 'do it on their own'." Because of this freedom to not only choose how we are going to go about things or if we are even going to try at all there is an element of honesty that enters that gives way to power and a beautiful truth.  By the grace of God I'm actually seeing this in my training and my riding.  This more tangibly in my riding looks like not forcing Gabe into a "headset" and letting him look at a jump.  I've found that Gabe has been over-jumping and launching himself at everything because he wasn't even looking at it! Now on one side that is incredibly scary...luckily for us he's a powerful launcher.  On the other hand it means that I have a very willing horse. So, we're finally working past some of his fear issues.  But now he jumps because he knows what he's doing not just because I'm asking him.  This makes me so grateful for the honesty and the heart of my horse and the wisdom and caring of my God that allows me to CHOOSE to love and serve him.