Winter to Spring

This past winter and subsequent spring have been full of adjustments, not only for me and my family, but for Gabe as well. I'm sure he thought I had dropped him in the frozen tundra when he first arrived. We learned about pipes freezing and "snowball high-heels" that have horrible traction on grass. If you ever desire to find out what it feels like to ride an ice-skating horse, then go for it, but once was enough for me. I've seen even more how important it is for Gabe to have a job and finding that balance between mental and physical challenges. Preparedness is what I focus on with him. I've set very specific goals for this year, though they are small in my eyes and in the grand scheme of my equestrian hopes. I've come to find that most horses are physically capable of lower level eventing. Let's face it, it's not until the upper levels that physical capability really begins to separate the herd. It is the mental acuity and adaptation that I find to be the challenge in lower levels and yet that is what I find lacking in the upper levels (as an observer and hopeful). It's the staying calm when in unusual or new situations, it's being a responsive listener and following your person, and it's making up for that person when they get things wrong. These are all things learned at the most basic level and yet they are so commonly neglected. I'm a highly critical person of no one but myself, but an acute observer of others. As my horse becomes an extension of me he many times gets put into the scope of my critical sight. For the majority of my riding life I have not know how to handle this and I've rarely met a trainer that did. The advice was abusive or dismissive. I have followed both paths and been equally discontent. It has been until now that I am secure and confident enough to discover this for myself and my horse. Thank God for a patient horse, a supportive husband and one really easy-going baby. The courage I have gained to seek this out has come from being a mom. Not only am I the example to hopefully another generation of equestrians, but I am also an unintentional ambassador for the "riding moms club". I meet many a young girl who looks at me with fear or anxiety when they see I have a kid. How do I do it? Why do you do it? It's the same answer I gave my hairdresser when she asked why I hadn't chopped of all my hair like the other moms. My answer is this: this is how I like it and my child is not an excuse or a copout to do the things in life that take effort. Even more so it is the reason that spurs me on. How I would hate for my son to grow up and realize that he was a scapegoat for not pursuing my dreams? I had one upper-level eventer say to me," I guess now you'll only ride safe horses since you are a mom." First of all, no horse is really  "safe". Some are riskier than others, but you are unsafe the moment you step through the pasture gate. Secondly, I love developing young horses. I love helping them find what they are good at and have potential for and matching them with that person that loves it as well. What a happy existence those partnerships bring! This is something I have loved for a long time and it has poured into every area of my life. From elementary school age I loved rehoming strays; cats, dogs, birds, you name it. I'd do it with people to if I could. Maybe adoption is I our future😊 I love the healing and redemption that comes through being in the wrong situation and seeing it made right, then there being hope, love and joy in and from that. Yep, throw in some adventure and I'm a happy girl. So, no, I will not just ride "safe" horse the rest of my life. How could I fulfill those desires doing that? Now there is a time and a place for risk management, but I will discover that along the way. 

So, please, ladies out there with kiddos, don't give up on your dreams no matter what it is. Be the first example your child has of being a dreamer and a fullfiller. Show them what hard work and determination look like. Know that you are an example of motherhood and you have the ability to affect generations. Now that is powerful. You will affect future generations positively or negatively, but you will affect it and people's perception of motherhood. For those without kiddos, don't look at me with pitty like my life is over. I have accomplished the most challenging event in my life in having a kid and my son is the most powerful motivator I have ever had. Sure my body is in constant transition and the majority of my time and energy is given to someone that can't even walk or talk. But one day he will.  And he will go into the world with the influence I have placed on him. So no, my life is not over. It has just been hugely challenged and enriched. And I would wish it for anyone that is brave enough for the challenge and wants to see a miracle come to life and feel the humility and joy of motherhood. For you mamas who have taken a break from riding-it's ok. It's not going anywhere and you can always come back to it. Sometimes we have seasons in life where it just doesn't work out; whether it's our body, time, money, anything. That time can still be used to better you as a horse person and you never know what your horse could do for someone else. Some of my best and most influential horse experiences have come from someone else's horse that they weren't able to ride. Plus, if it matters that much to you then you will find a way to make it work in whatever capacity that may be. And if horses are a way of life and not a hobby for you then don't worry about it. It'll happen. As my favorite horsey-Aunt use to say,"Leah, the reason your good with horses is that your more stubborn than they are"! That couldn't be more true. I personally am too stubborn to ever not have horses in my life...I hope that for you too! 

As far as what Gabe and I are working on-we're breaking bad habits. I've found that I raise my reins right before I ask for an increase in speed. I'm sure you can see how that could become an undesirable cue. Gabe also likes to walk off the second my butt hits the saddle...ugh bad manners. He also loves to gallop every hill he sees and when I don't allow it he likes to throw his head up, evade contact and trot or canter in place. So, what did we do? We went back to boring for a while, which was easy in the snow. We walked up and down the hilly drive until I thought he was going to start dragging his nose between his legs. Well, not really, but you get the point. It was only then, after a few weeks of walking that I allowed him to trot. And then we did a lot of downward transitions. I've now started to ask for canter sets, which have been more like gallop sets, but he was fighting me so badly that I pulled from a tactic that I rarely use: wear him out. I only will do this  if it's going to mentally benefit the horse. I'm not about running a horse into the ground. But he was telling me he wanted more. Here was the key: I decided when it started, when it stopped, and for how long. In that way I was listening to his wants but they were being done within my parameters. I use to do this with young horses that liked to run backwards when they got confused or were refusing to listen. I would switch to asking them to backup the second they used that as an evasive maneuver and I would ask them to do it a lot longer than they had originally intended. It switched their mind from being unsure or obstinate to thinking that they were doing something you asked them to do. In this case with Gabe I realized it was time to challenge both his body and his mind. We did two 5 minute gallop sets on hills with 5 minute breaks between. I gave him a day off and then the next day I did a small jump set with him and then walked for 30 minutes. He was still sore and tired from our gallop sets. Two days later and he was back to normal but much more responsive and respectful of our speed. The other thing I have been working on with him is using draw reins. I've used them before when doing breaking and training 3 and 4 year olds or retraining OTBs, but I was highly reluctant to use them as I have seen them misused so harshly. I finally decided that it would help me communicate better with Gabe and that it was a tool and an aide, not a crutch or a weapon. Our first ride with the draw reins was wonderful. Gabe was more balanced and I was able to be more balanced and in control because of it. Gabe got a much better workout and I was able to better ask of him what I wanted. Let me state that I am super careful with my horses mouth. I can't stand seeing unknowledgable hands ruining a horses mouth. I think most riders should learn how to ride with just a halter with reins and bareback(with a bareback pad for some security😊). I know, it sounds harsh, but I think many bad habits could be prevented if people started this way.  Anyways, Gabe and I are increasing our endurance and stamina and trying to do it properly. We'll interval train once a week, jump at least once week, and do our dressage tests 2-3 times a week in as many different locations as we can find. Since our dressage is my weakness, that is what we will focus on for me and getting Gabe fit will be my goal for him. I'm hoping to start lessons in the next few weeks and then hopefully a few dressage shows. Once I feel like we're proficient in that then we'll up our jump game and get to the fun stuff! 

My last thought is on Rolex. I'm excited that the roster has so many top-notch  names and many first or second timers. I'm sad to not be there, soaking up the atmosphere and trekking those beautiful hills of Kentucky. I'm also a bit crestfallen as I could've been there this year as part of a team, an opportunity I turned down. I'm crazy, right?!? I followed my gut on that decision and I'm doing my best not to regret it. I will be studying each horse and rider pair from my couch, grateful that USEF Network covers the event or then I'd definitely cry lol. Best of luck to all the riders and I hope the U.S. represents well this year!

Moving Gabe & Recent Learnings

Gabe is here! It was something that seemed so far away even until the day before I went to pick him up. Once I had that trailer behind the truck, it set in. I was really going to pick up my horse. My whole "family" was going to be together again. It had been 9+ months since I had leased him and almost 3 months since I had last seen him. The time in between was an emotional roller coaster. I had the great opportunity to volunteer at a 4* barn while trying to figure out how and when to move Gabe from SC to VA. As it turns out, most people, professional horse-people or not, don't want to make a 20+ hour trip to move one horse. Man, it was frustrating. I felt so stuck. Not having a truck was the worst part. It's one thing to need a trailer, but a whole rig? You must be joking. In the end and to my great relief, my Dad offered to let me use his truck and I was able to find a trailer company that would lease a trailer out to me. And it would all cost a heck of a lot less than having him shipped. Originally I was going to make the trip by myself, with Zeke of course (my 5 month old). However, a day or so before the trip my Dad offered to come along. *Sigh of relief*. As I told him, I'm stubborn enough I could've done it by myself but not so stubborn that I wouldn't accept his help. He had to make the trip up and back again by himself...then an additional 16+ to move Gabe. In total he drove close to 40 hours in the span of just a few days. I will never be able to thank him enough for helping me at a time when I needed it the most and no one else could or would. He was an absolute rock, driving most of the way and trying to keep me calm. Turns out I've picked up some worrying habits. There's a fine line between smothering and mothering and a horse needs neither. I know these things, but gosh it's hard to NOT do them. All things considered, the trip went great! We arrived at the new barn and snuggled Gabe into his stall for the night. I felt like I could finally take a nice, deep breath. 

The next few days were rough to be honest. He had handled the trip so well. He was eating, drinking, pooping, but he was 3-legged lame. He could barely walk and was falling out of his stall. Luckily it was just that he had been trimmed too short on one hoof before I had picked him up. Within a few days I had a farrier out, shoes on and problem solved. But those few days of him being immobile ended up being sweet. They were a reminder of how we first met. Reminder that he still needed me. Reminder that I wasn't just owner and rider, but friend. It turned out to be a great way to start things back up, by just loving on him, soaking his hoof and brushing him. I'm sure if he would've been rideable after I had just come from a 4* barn that I would've completely started back in the wrong way...being so excited to try all the new things I've learned and push our limits. Thank goodness he was lame. We've now started back slowly, snow permitting. I stretch him out...carrot or currently leftover candy cane stretches are awesome! I'm also integrating some bodywork techniques. Not only does it help him relax, but it reminds me of how responsive a horse' skin is. I think many times as riders and horse people we use way too much strength in our touch. Just because it's a powerful animal does not mean we must meet it with superior strength. We will lose every time and miss out on an amazing connection. You also send your horse into a "blocking" state of mind, where you give them no choice but to shut you out. I always like to start out with the gentlest touch possible and use more if I need it. But that is because I want a highly responsive, "conversational" horse. It's not for everyone. Also, my goal with every horse I own is to ride bridle-less and saddle-less. If that doesn't change your foundational work then nothing will. We've come to a really sweet place. I'm ready to set some goals and review everything we know. My biggest challenge has been actually doing what I know. My hope is that it will become second nature and that I won't even have to think about it, but just respond. I must also say that I'm grateful for the look that I got into the 4* world, for the people I met, friends I made and horses I worked with. It made me incredibly grateful for my horse and helped me see how right we are for each other. Even if I had unlimited funds and could choose any horse in the world I would still pick Gabe. I've also realized how set I am in my foundation as a horsewoman and if something doesn't align with my core principles then I'm ok disagreeing or walking away. Nothing is too temping to compromise on that. I've also seen that there are many great horse-people that will never make it to the top. They've done everything right but it's just a "no go". It's a hard road to the top and to some it's not worth it. My hope is that those that try never forget why they began. That they don't forget their first ride, their first touch of a horse' soft nose and tickling whiskers, the conflicting sweet and sours smells of a barn, that the softest spot on a horse is right behind their elbow, that you can, if you open yourself up, you will find no greater or sweeter friend on this earth than a horse. 

VA Update

Leasing Gabe is probably the hardest horse-related thing I've ever done, yet conversely it was probably the best thing I could've done for him. I know he has gotten to travel to more competitions and clinics than I could've taken him to...especially while pregnant and then with a newborn. Also, I know he's being loved and spoiled by a young girl(lady), something every horse should get to experience. It's also challenged me to develop my life outside of horses(gasp). For any horse person this is just plain old hard to do. I've struggled with deep sadness and had to do a lot of "open hand" living. And just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore I was given that breath of air to keep me going, I got to touch a horse, and then like CPR to the drowning I got to ride. I didn't just get to ride once, I rode 4 times. 2 different horses, until I thought my legs were gonna fall off and I would never be able to sit again. It was awesome. My circling the field, a few ground poles, trot poles, and canter poles felt nothing less than epic. Thank goodness no one was around to see my dismount, if you can even call it that. I'm reminded of the kindness of the horse. They must have known how weak I am. Especially with the knowledge of some of these horses, the places they've traveled, the things they've achieved, some of them having already achieved some of my greatest dreams and yet they let me fumble around them and flop on their back like an ever-shifting bag of rice. I will forever be indebted to these wonderful animals. I will also continue to petition my muscles to return to me at their earliest convenience. In the meantime, I will continue to be a sponge around this new barn where the latest advances in equine exercise physiology and therapy are being used daily and I will try to not idolize the people teaching me, because as it turns out, they do get on a horse one foot at a time. 

Let's not be a chicken

Or chicken-s*** as one of my best friends called me in only the way a best friend can. This is what happens to me when I have an opportunity to talk to or work with a rider that I really respect. Even the thought of them knowing I exist makes me sick to my stomach. It's a complete rock-star, celebrity, "Beatles-style" star-struck emotion that I wish I didn't have. Please hide me under a rock because nothing I could do or say is worthy of your consideration and I might just start crying because I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of your awesomeness. It's pathetic, I know. 

I'll never forget when I met the Riding Master for the Lippizaner Stallions. My family and I were back at our hotel after watching their performance and my Dad had recognized him in the bar. My Dad, being the great people lover he is, had no problem going with me to talk to him and if it had not been for his encouragment I would have of course run the other way, content and complete having seen him so close. Who was I to speak to someone so great, so well-trained, so "international"? I hadn't ridden in six months and I couldn't even pronounce half the above air movements.  If it had not been for the graciousness of the Riding Master I wouldn't have said a word. I probably would have just stared at him and wondered things like,"Does he clean his own boots?". Instead, he kindly asked me questions about myself and my riding and it ended up being one of the most inspiring conversations I've ever had. I went back to the hotel room, shut myself in the bathroom and cried. 

Now, I have another opportunity to meet a rider that I greatly respect. She's a 4* Eventer that I was truly inspired and encouraged by her performance at Rolex this past year. David, Zeke and I are going this weekend to meet her barn team and see if they have a place for me. Now, I just recently birthed a child and I'm more intimidated by this weekend than I was about giving birth. I just keep telling myself that every 4* rider is human.  I like to think that they weren't just born talented and at one time in their life they were not so different from me. They were young, inexperienced and hopeful dreamers who worked hard to achieve their goals. If I can keep this in mind I might actually be able to talk to them. Or I could just fain being mute and maybe they'll take pitty on me, then after a year or two of mucking stalls in their vicinity I may be able to procure an utterance in their presence. It would be truly miraculous! Mute girl learns to speak by mucking stalls! But no, that won't work at all. Because now I have a son, a little person that I'm suppose to set an example for. So I'll be brave. I'll talk to the people I admire most and aspire to be like. I'll work hard, I'll dream, I'll take chances and be willing to embarrass myself and royally mess things up. And who knows, maybe this is a new chapter, maybe this is when I get over being a chicken-s***, but I'll never know until I try and it's certainly worth trying. 

Out of the tack lessons: Having Babies

It's interesting to me how life can prepare you for future moments without your knowledge. Being around horses has done this for me in many ways and it has shaped the way I think. Here are some things I found to be true for me in my latest adventure of bringing my son Zeke into the world. 

   You can not function out of fear. Just as a horse will sense someone's fear and either respond in fight or flight, so it is for those who approach pregnancy in the same way. I struggled with this in my own thoughts, the opinions of others, and especially the medical field. However, there is power and freedom in learning how to filter what you hear and choosing what will consume your thoughts. One of my filters is the "fruit filter". I look at the person giving the advice or whatnot and gauge what fruit it has given them and if I would want that for myself. If the fruit is good then the method of how it came into being is worth listening to.

     Partnership. Most horse people spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money finding a horse for their chosen discipline. If they're competing, only minutes are spent doing so in comparison to hours of preparation. And it's very telling. The same is true of marriage and having kids. Choose wisely. Put the time and effort in and when it comes show time you'll be glad you did.

   The unexpected happens. The worst thing that can happen is death. For me that's not so bad. It's even a good thing. So, prepare the best you can and then just let life play out. Learn from it. It'll be ok. Plus, pain is only temporary. That's what I tell myself before cross country and apparently childbirth. 

   Laugh and have fun if you can...especially if it's actually funny. Laughing can be the best medicine. So if you fall off your horse and a pile of poo softened your fall, then laugh. To the nurse who heard me comment while in labor that finally the day would come when I wouldn't have "hobbit feet", it was ok to laugh. 

   Community. Surround yourself with good, stable, happy people. Horses definitely try to do this and it's no wonder why. 

   Visualization. While going through contractions I thought I would visualize holding my son and that that would help me make it through. Turns out it didn't. Being that I am extremely visual and had never held my son before, all I could "see" was a blank page. So, what could I picture that like a contraction was intimidating but had a beginning and an end. Well, I was back on xc heading to a jump on top of a hill. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Jump. And on to the next one. I must say that was the longest 38 hours of xc visualization I've ever done. Maybe next time I'll change the course a bit. 

   Don't give up. Shortly after becoming pregnant I began to address myself as a "broodmare" and "out-to-pasture". This was certainly how I felt about myself and how I felt I was being treated by many. How sad is that? To those young horse people out there, having children is not the end of your participation in the equestrian world. It is actually the continuation of something much bigger. You can't be selfish if you're going to participate in it. The price you pay is worth the outcome. Your body will come back, and maybe even better then it was before. Don't let the fear of the uncertain keep you from potential joy. In light of all this, I've decided to give myself some patience and some room to recover. At least as much as I would give a "broodmare" coming back into work:)  

   Here's to horses and all the life lessons they bring. 

   

Prayers for Pregnancy

Dear God, please keep me from fear and anxiety. Put trust and a calm, peaceful spirit in their place. May your truths be what circulate through my mind. God help me to love those who tell me painful and heartbreaking birthing stories. May I be able to give them some of the comfort they are seeking. Keep me from complaining. Remind me constantly that this child is a gift and that many women desperately crave to feel the joys and burdens of being pregnant and having children. Remind me that birth is normal and beautiful and that you made my body to do this. Keep me from being selfish about my body, what it looks like and will look like. May I welcome each transition, feeling, emotion and pain as a right of passage. Help me remember that pain is only pain and that it is only temporary. Keep me calm, as worry and freaking-out never helped anyone. Please help me to remember my husband in this time, that he was the first person I committed my life to. May I not be so involved in myself and this baby that I forget to love him well. May I also see beyond my own needs and emotions to those around me, to friends, family, strangers, nurses, and doctors. Keep me from being self-consumed. May I already set the example for my child now in pregnancy and during birth. Remind me of the positive birth stories I know and of the amazing women they belong to. May you give me a birth story that can encourage and comfort other new moms. Thank you for this gift. Thank you for this opportunity. Please keep me grateful. 

Passing the Lead

Sometimes you start a new chapter in life without even realizing it. It seems to usually happen when you've gotten into the swing of things, figured it all out and there's a plan in progress. That's when it happens. When one small thing changes everything. My life has happily been full of these changes. I've learned that if I just take a deep breath, remember the greatness of God and the smallness of my "plan", it usually turns out better then I could have ever dreamed. 

So after my last/first show with Gabe I learned that I was pregnant. It was such a mix of joy, relief and anxiety. After 3 early term miscarriages in the beginning of our marriage, this was not a journey I felt ready to take. None the less, I am 6 months pregnant with one very active, healthy little boy and not one complication in sight. In not being ready for the struggles of pregnancy I was also not ready for the blessings it has already brought. I trust God deeper than ever before. My husband has loved and served me unlike anyone else in my life. His love reminds me of Jesus constantly. I was able to quit my job and be completely rested. I turned down a career as an Environmental Scientist. I sold my newly bought truck. All these things felt so un-American, so anti-cultural. It's not that I didn't have options and that by default I am choosing to be a mom. I am actively, happily choosing and stating that being the major influence in my child's life is the most important thing I could possibly do right now and in the future. The hardest part of this for me has not been the loss of a career or of freedom, but the loss of riding my horse. Now I am a huge proponate for listening to your body and your brain when it's comes to physical activity while being pregnant. I also have hailed the women I've heard of that have ridden while pregnant...Mary King, Georgiana Bloomberg, and of course there's Mother Mary. I also have seen many a pregnant equestrian go into this time with great sadness. I've met women in their forties who just began riding again after raising kids and just don't seem to "have it" anymore. They have the courage and spine of a rice cake. However, some of my greatest equestrian heroes are in their forties and could put me to shame in technique, skill, and a numbness to fear. How these women end up in such different places is still something I'm seeking out as I am bound and determined to be one of those later equestrians. However, now is not that time. I think I could've kept on riding for a few more months, but that would be on a differnt horse. You see Gabe is a pleaser and I have been training and pushing him towards perfection and excellence for the past three plus years. When our rides became the equivalent of what our warm-ups use to be I could tell he was bored. He very kindly accepted me how I was, but I couldn't stand it. I could not accept it. Plus, I still have 3 more months to go and it's the beginning of a new show season. I have seen many a horse sit in a pasture and have their talent wasted away. Sometimes one season off becomes years upon years and then a horse that couldn't had a whole other half of their career has just grazed away into obscurity. Now this is perfect for some horses. However, Gabe is the happiest when working and working hard. He is in his prime and I have finally submitted that I will not be the one to lead him forward in this time. I also realize that I have not been the only one to have taken part in Gabe's journey so far. There was his initial rescuer, then my friend who brought me to the horsemanship clinic where we met, vets, farriers, trainers, barn managers, workers and owners. I have been an overseer and coordinator of such and that will continue. But why should I let it stop there. I feel like animals are ment to be blessing, so let him bless. So, through the connections of trainers(thank you!) I was introduced to a young pony club rider in need of a horse. It could not have been a better fit. I remember what it was like when someone else let me ride their horse and I couldn't stop smiling. I never could've expected what it would feel like to give a gift to someone else that was once given to me. Not only that, but I saw the full circle of a horse that was once imaciated and mentally unhealthy now not just being able to be rideable by me, but to be perfectly attuned to this girl and to be a teacher himself. That has been one of the greatest joys and compliments of my riding career. So, yes I have a temporary, selfish sadness that I'm not the one riding Gabe, but it is so far, far outweighed by the joy and fullness of watching that little girl ride and love him. What a gift. Now I can rest and focus on my little baby to come knowing that I have done my best to steward this wonderful horse that was given to me.