It's all about moving...new house, new barn, and outa the way!

Ahhh, the curve ball-It's been a time of remembering what I already know and putting those things into practice. Since my last update I've moved Gabe to a "new" farm. It was actually one of the best horse moving experiences I've had. The barn owner(from the place I was leaving) offered for me to use his King Ranch truck and trailer to move Gabe and wouldn't accept a penny for it! It was already hooked up for me to boot! I mean that kinda stuff just doesn't really happen in the horse world! Anyways, I moved Gabe because David and I are building a house. That's right, we don't like living in Spartanburg and we're gonna build a house just outside of it...eish. However, we both have great jobs and have not had any opportunities to leave though we have looked...and trust me, I've looked VERY hard. So, what do you do when you want to leave but your suppose to stay? You wait. You seek contentment. You learn to give, grow, and learn no matter where you are or whatever circumstances you're in. You stop pleading with God to give you something else and trust that he knows what he's doing a heck of a lot better then you do. That's the hope at least. So, now we're here. We're investing. And back to horsey stuff, Gabe is now 5 minutes away and I'm doing all of his care. This was going great until I discovered some nasty habits and manners that he's been getting away with. And I don't just mean elbows on the table and belching kinda stuff. Oh no, I'm talking about charging through the stall door, breaking the cross ties and running away, ears pinned, butt turned, and kicking me in the knee when I took his blanket off. I have never been so mad and bewildered at this gentle spirit who turned into 2 yr old hellion over night. More than anything though my feelings were hurt. Here's a horse that I wake up hours early and get home late after work to see and pick up his poop, feed, brush, and exercise. I realized that he doesn't exactly take that into consideration. However, he has taught me yet another important lesson...he doesn't know how hard I work to pay for him or how much sleep I don't get so that he's well taken care of...he is a horse. Sometimes I completely forget that. Though they have an amazing sense about them and are incredible creatures at the core of what they are and what they were created to be is "horse" and the second I forget that is when we have problems. I remember just before I moved Gabe I thought I smelled something funny, like rain rot, by his hoof and so what did I do? I picked up his hoof and promptly stuck my nose as close as I could to it...my face was centimeters away. It hit me then that I had completely lost touch with the fact that Gabe was a horse and what I was doing was completely stupid and unsafe. I had forgotten what I already know. First, you treat a horse as a horse. Think about things from their mentality as a herd animal, an animal that was once preyed on, their field of vision, their body language, and then you can communicate with them in a way they understand and in that there is a bond and a beautiful friendship. My problem is that I forgot all about the horse part and just relied on friendship. I began to see that I praised Gabe for everything...eating, drinking, standing, etc. Talk about behaving like an overindulgent mother! And who likes to be around that? No one. No person or animal needs to be praised for just existing. Gabe knew it, saw me a weak, and decided that he would take over as the herd leader since I was mentally unfit. Which is completely about survival. Smart horse when your person is making dumb decisions. I think that's why a synchronized, harmonious horse and rider team is so beautiful...it's a relationship built on a deep understanding of one another, where both are submitting some form or fashion of their safety and well-being to the other. Think about what a horse is saying to you when you put a bit in his mouth? I trust you. I give you control. A rider trusts that a horse will take them to a fence and find a way over it safely. Even just having someone get on a horse's back says a lot about trust both ways. It's when we forget who the other is when we disrupt that friendship and degrade what is meant to be beautiful. For those of you who are equestrians, I hope this encourages you to be in rhythm with your horse, to know what your job is and what it isn't and the same for your horse. For those that are not equestrians, horse lessons can always be applied to some other area of your life...just ask any horse person and I'm sure they'll be able to think of something:)

From Death to Life

As I reflect on the past year and a 1/2 there is so much hurt, frustration, peace, and restoration that it has felt like the roller coaster of a lifetime.  From May to November of 2011 I had 3 early term miscarriages.  I felt so out of control of my life, though in reality I really have very little "control" of my life at all. As a beautiful blessing Gabe was so good to me.   I went from riding him 4 days a week, pushing him hard every day, to riding a few days a week, working on slowing down our walk so I didn't get motion sick, and he's up for it all.  He became so protective of me when I was pregnant, pinning his ears and putting his back towards any horse that would approach me when I would go get him from the pasture.  He would also rub my stomach with his nose.  What a beautiful depth there is to speaking without words. I can not say enough for the bond that can form between a person and horse. It is so far beyond my comprehension and yet it is a very simple love.

I have seen that death is a part of life.  We will all see it and experience.  How we respond to it is up to  us.  I am very blessed to be close to the Father and at times have truly heard his audible voice in my life.  Minutes before my last miscarriage I heard a voice from my stomach, the voice of my child, say, "I'm ok".  There's no greater gift that I could think of receiving than the sound of that voice. I know full well that when I pass into eternity that I will have 3 of my children welcoming me.  Throughout this painful time, God has been restoring fears in my life.  I've been afraid of having children as much of our culture speaks of them as a disease or plague. My fear has also been of having children in the States, that they would grow up to be spoiled, lazy, selfish, and expectant that they deserve all things, as most American children are.  I've also been afraid of being a stay-at-home mom, as our culture looks down on that choice as "second best" to a professional career.  I've been afraid that I would be alone once I had children and that I would get fat.  Well, let me tell you, my fear of culture and man has been greater than my trust in God's power to overcome those things.  Even after all the death and darkness God has previously brought me through I still forget his truths.

So now I press on.  I still struggle with seeing pregnant women, children, and especially babies.  I also struggle with judging pregnant women who don't want to be pregnant, don't have a good marriage,  who aren't good moms and don't have any desire to be, who lazily leave the raising of their children to the schools or the church. It's a critical spirit and I battle it.

However, God has been very clear with me that I am to pursue my dream of being a Vet.  The past year I have been putting the desires of my husband above the desires of my God, which has probably be the cause of much of my pain.  So, though I will have to address and fight against many of my greatest fears just to apply, that is exactly what I am going to do.  But not alone.  I have my husband, whom God has thankfully given us unity on this decision, I have my God, who knew all along,  I have a handful of friends that "get it", and I have more family behind me than I ever have before. Talk about the restoration of God.  So, practically this means taking those last pre-reqs that I didn't finish at Clemson, studying and taking the GRE again, because my scores are so old they don't count anymore:( , researching schools, talking to admission people and completely bearing my life to them, and preparing for moving.  It is from death to life that I go. Not in perfection, but with hope.  In expectation of God to do great things, for hardships to be many, for difficulties to be greater than I've already experienced, and for God to provide when I'm empty of anything good or worthwhile.    

"A planned life is a closed life"

"A planned life is a closed life" seems to be the story of mine. It's a quote from the movie The Inn of the 6th Happiness. It's a wonderful true story of a women who is "unqualified" to go to a remote region of China as a missionary and ends up being excatly the right person.  God used her to bring hope and health to a forgotted and poor people and to save hundreds of children's lives in the face of the Japanese attack on China. The point being that it is usually what we did not plan that ends up being the joy, wonder, excitement, and fullfillment of our lives.  So, as I have discovered that I am two months pregnant my life has been opened wide.

So, where does this put sweet Gabe? Well, every medical person I have spoken to has told me not to ride and that I am crazy for doing so, because of the chance of falling.  I figure I have a greater chance of being in a car accident than falling off of Gabe. Besides, if Mother Mary can ride a donkey while pregnant than why can't I ride my horse? It's not like I'm going to compete in the next Rolex or Kentucky Derby. I've certainly backed off a lot.  For those who ride and understand some of the deep truths of it, will know that it's not just a physical thing, it's emotional and in ways spiritual.  Besides, I think Gabe knows. This time has been very sweet and calming.  I'm not rushing towards anything and that has passed onto Gabe.  I'm not thinking about the next thing or pushing myself or Gabe.  I'm just enjoying being in it, in this time, in this place, in this moment.

Remember

Recently riding Gabe has been harder than ever.  Last week we had a lesson where he digressed to the horse that I rode 6 months ago.  It was so frustrating! Especially since he had been doing so well the past few weeks.  I fought off tears the whole time and completely lost my focus.  The next day I looked at my boots by the door and thought, "Why am I doing this?".  Luckily, not far from those boots is a picture that is certainly worth a thousand words.  It is a autographed picture of the Heasmaster of the Lipizzaner Stallions and his horse in midair.  I will never forget meeting him.  His words play through my ears, "Never give up riding".  He will never know the influence he had with a college freshman that he met in passing in the bar of a hotel. At that point I had given up riding.  College was too much and riding was just not feasible.  But after meeting him I began ridng again.  I rode a horse named Elle that has since passed away, but I learned so much. She was a magnificent horse with all the right buttons and extensive training, which she would share with me.  Then, after  I spent a month in the hospital from a ruptured appendix and pelvic abscess it was time to ride again.  This time it was a horse named Santana.  From the moment I met this horse I noticed his kind, knowing eyes.  This was the horse that would step underneath me when I would shift the wrong way, keeping me from falling. He allowed me to regain my muscles and strength.  I waved at Santana from Gabe's back as his owner drove him off to retire at another farm.  I knew full well that I never would have been able to  Gabe if it hadn't been for Santana.  I also rode another horse during this time, Solomon.  He reminded me of an old man that just wanted to play golf and drink and here I was asking him to take out the trash and mow the lawn.  He was grouchy, but he could jump! He taught me that I was capable of jumping "small houses" and how to truly ride, because if he made the decisions we certainly wouldn't do anything that would break a sweat! So, I remember.  I remember the people who encouraged me and the animals that taught me. There are so many more...from my first pony, Lightning, that would stop every time I fell off, to "Horse Camp" with my Aunt in Virginia, who taught me so much of what it meant to be a "horsewoman". This is what encourages me and helps me put those boots back on the next morning.

Free Riding. Free Love

Recently I've learned of a new way of riding.  It has been an idea in my mind for a while but I hadn't learned how to carry it out until just recently.  I found it best described in a chapter of C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters.  Yet C.S. isn't speaking about horses and training, he's speaking about God and 'free' love.  "Desiring their freedom, He therefore refuses to carry them, by their mere affections and habits, to any of the goals which He sets before them: He leaves them to 'do it on their own'." Because of this freedom to not only choose how we are going to go about things or if we are even going to try at all there is an element of honesty that enters that gives way to power and a beautiful truth.  By the grace of God I'm actually seeing this in my training and my riding.  This more tangibly in my riding looks like not forcing Gabe into a "headset" and letting him look at a jump.  I've found that Gabe has been over-jumping and launching himself at everything because he wasn't even looking at it! Now on one side that is incredibly scary...luckily for us he's a powerful launcher.  On the other hand it means that I have a very willing horse. So, we're finally working past some of his fear issues.  But now he jumps because he knows what he's doing not just because I'm asking him.  This makes me so grateful for the honesty and the heart of my horse and the wisdom and caring of my God that allows me to CHOOSE to love and serve him.

Joys and Frustrations

So, I've recently been riding with a new trainer and it has been wonderful.  She has completely understood the small steps that I'm having to make with Gabe to not only train but to re-train so much of what he knows.  Though they may be small steps they have been huge for me.  I can actually have contact with Gabe now without him throwing his head in my face or in the dirt.  I had just been riding without leg or rein contact because he was so afraid of it, but then he would shoot off at a moments notice. Now, atleast I can enjoy riding my horse.  He also has a rythm! It's amazing what good instruction can do.  Gabe actually does better when I have a steady rein & leg contact because he "knows where I am" and I'm not just going to suprise him with a request. So, constant, steady contact is what I am learning.  Annie also explained why I've been having so much trouble with my leg.  For over two years now trainers have been telling me to bring my leg back and then they would lengthen my stirrup...ugh. I now know that that's like walking into a bar with an alcoholic, handing them money and asking them to stay sober...counterproductive.  So, raise my stirrups to the right length where I don't have to reach for them and drop my heals for center of gravity.  Yes, this is what I have been told since I first sat on a horse, but it's really difficult to see what you're doing wrong when you ride by yourself all the time.  The other huge help was learning that it's really more about hip angle and center of gravity than leg placement.  Unfortunately, for me and my horse my center has been my tush.  I'm not only retraining Gabe...I'm retraining myself!  So, shorten stirrups, close hip angle, drop those blasted heels, and recenter! Huge difference! Especially when riding a young horse that's trying to figure out their center of gravity, too.

Then the frustrating...I rode by myself a few days after my lesson and 30 minutes into the ride all we had been working on just went out the window. I was going over all the things that we had done in the lesson and stuff just fell apart.  Next thing you know I'm frustrated, he's confused, and the best thing I could think to do was just to walk for 10 minutes and try to regain some sort of positive experience.  Then I remember all the hard times, which didn't help.  I remember not having the money to pay for gas to get to the barn to work off Gabe's board, much less to be able to pay for lessons.  Then I would save up for the lesson and it would be horrible.  I would cry about it later.  I rememeber when the last barn manager changed Gabe's feed to a high fat, high protein diet and inceased the feed without telling me.  That was probably the worst month of riding we have ever had. Gabe was so high strung and excitable that he would begin cantering in place the second I sat in the saddle.  I was at a loss as to what I was doing wrong and why he had suddenly become so fat until I just happened to check his feed one evening.  Then I remember all of the "wrong" training.  Training that didn't help or hindred me and Gabe.  It feels like wasted time and money.  But is has been part of what has encouraged me to filter the training I have received and to trust my own instincts.  Somewhere along the way I have met and worked with good trainers.  Theirs are the words I remember.  But more than any trainer it is my horse that teaches me the most.  If I'll listen he tells me, "I'm ready lets do this!" or "I'm afraid.  I don't know what I'm doing, but I'll try."  The later is what I've heard the most.  It's amazing that he's willing to try and trust me after all he has been through.  That is what I need to remember.  I hope to become a better listener and communicator with Gabe, that I could return some of the patient that he has shown me.  He's a good gift from God.  We'll try again tomorrow.

The New

David and I are nicely settled in Spartanburg.  We both keep saying how we've felt like we're on vacation, but since he has starting working the real world has set in.  It's funny how after five months of marraige the arrangement changes.  I've was so spoiled getting to be married while David was in school...meet during my lunch hour-no problem...don't feel like going to class-no problem (for David, lol).  Now it's real life and sometimes it's just hard.  It inspires me more than ever to ride and to ride well.  Gabe has been doing well.  I had to switch his feeds as the only two stores to carry his current feed are in Clemson and Charlotte.  That was an unfortunate realization.  I've also started lessons with Annie Maunder.  I remembered her from when the Eventing Team Schooled with her.  She was so honest and straight-forward, yet positive.  I will forever remember her for saying "Get your hands outa your nickers!" when my reins were too long! Gabe likes her.  Though when she tried to get on he would take just a little bit of a step to the side so she couldn't reach and then he almost pushed her off the mounting block with his head.  I was so mortified! But she laughed and just moved the mounting block.  Annie gave us some great material to work on.  She also confirmed a lot of my training decisions which was a relief.  Our next lesson is this Friday. I've also been enjoying my birthday gifts from David-a  saddle that fits and an ipod shuffle:)  It's amazing the difference a properly fitting saddle makes.  I feel like I've been walking around with the wrong size shoes on.  And the music just helps to relax me...thought it's mostly rap.  It amazing the problems that I try to solve while riding...and then I forget to breathe because I'm thinking so hard.  Who forgets to breathe???  But Gabe reminds me.  I love that Annie said, "This horse might make a decent rider out of you" and it's so true.  Gabe is a teacher and he's stubborn.  He won't do what I want unless I ask him the right way.

I was able to have Gabe volunteered for a massage certification clinic.  I relaxed just watching him get a massage! It was an interesting mix of massage and chiropractic practices.  The masues would move the horse into a stretch and then the horse would have to release.  To do the "release" Gabe would walk behind me and pop his jaw or hip or whatever it was.  The masueses said that it was a trust thing.  That most horses, because they are a prey animal don't want to seem weak, but that Gabe felt safe behind me.  Which made me smile of course:)

One of my favorite people that I've met is the barn manager where I keep Gabe.  With his crazy stories any country musician could have some very creative lyrics..."I made so many daquiries that I broke my blender" or "I came home and she took everything but a beer".

So, a new home, a new barn, a new saddle, new music, a new instructor, a new year...I'll be 24 Saturday, new friends and new lessons to be learned.